Bottom of the News… Friday, May 21, 2010

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. This morning we have been able to secure an actual job application from a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to a Wal-Mart In California…

NAME: Kenneth Way (grumpy old man)

SEX: Not lately, still looking for the right woman.

DESIRED POSITION: Company president or VP. But seriously, whatever is available. If I was in a position to be picky, I would not be applying here in the first place, right?

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year, plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. It that’s not possible, make me an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSTION HELD: Target, in Middle Management Hostility

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth!

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 to 3:30, Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: I’m sure I do, but it sucks that I can’t remember what they are!

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 POUNDS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be… “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job – oh no! On my breaks – you bet!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulouosly wealthy blonde supermodel who thinks I am the greates thing since sliced bread! Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE: 7 miles.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely!

And, as it turned out, Wal-mart hired Kenneth to be a greeter because they thought he was funny! And that is our Bottom of News for this Friday, May 21, 2010.
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