Thursday, October 04, 2007

Well, last week you may recall that I picked on WestJet Airlines for losing a young boy on one of their flights, so I thought I’d continue that theme.

Every so often the airline crew members try to make the in-flight "safety lecture" a bit more entertaining and they try to lighten things up for passengers after some interesting situations in flight, so I thought I’d share some reported stories:

A Delta pilot announced… "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

After a less than perfect landing the Air Tran attendant announced, "We ask you boys and girls to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

From America West… "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

After a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the Southwest attendant announced… "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault and it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt." (groan!)

On United… "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings, otherwise anything left behind will be distributed evenly amongst the flight crew. Please, please do not leave any children or spouses."

"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us on US Air Express today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Air West attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells have stopped, then we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, on Southwest Airlines if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is outside on the wing. And our policy is… if you can light 'em, then you can smoke 'em."

After reaching their cruising altitude, the United captain came on with his usual announcement, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking and I’d like to welcome you to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead looks great and we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now I invite you to sit back and… OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on… "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap and you should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled back, "that's nothing; you should see the back of mine!"

New Zealand Air has a policy that after a very rough landing they require their first officer to stand at the exit door with a smile thanking passengers for flying with them. Because this landing was so bad, the pilot had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would make a smart comment. Finally after everyone had gotten off the plane, except for a little old lady with a cane, she approached the pilot she said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

And as your Rotary Reporter, this is the bottom of the news for October 5, 2007.