Friday, October 29, 2010

“Duct Tape Halloween Costume Ideas”

Friday, October 29, 2010: Good morning my fellow Rotarians. With Halloween upon us this weekend I know what it is like scrambling at the last minute for costume ideas (just did that last night at our house!).

So, if you still don’t know what you (or your kids) might be wearing, I thought I’d share some practical and inexpensive suggestions. Here are the Top 7 Costume Ideas from the “Duct Tape Guys”…

#7. The “Skeleton”: Wear black pants and a black turtle neck; use white duct tape to make “bones” or use silver duct tape if you’d like to be a “Terminator Skeleton”.

#6. Be a human “Baked Potato”: Duct tape over your puffy down ski jacket; use white duct tape for the dollop of sour cream on your head.

#5. The “Human Shower”: Put a raincoat and use an old broomstick to help duct tape a Hula-Hoop™ over your head. Add a showerhead and shower curtain to the Hula-Hoop™.

#4. (Dads of teenagers will relate to this idea.) Cover yourself totally with silver Duct tape and hang a twenty dollar bill out of your mouth. Presto! You've become the Human ATM!

#3. “Wizard of Oz Tin Man”: Duct tape your entire body, except for your face. Duct tape a funnel to your head and carry around a duct tape covered oil can and axe.

#2. Duct tape a small child to your back and go as a “hunch-backed-two-headed guy.” If no child is available substitute a store mannequin, duct tape its head to your shoulder, and go as “The Thing with Two Heads”.

#1. And finally, the easiest duct tape costume of all… You can be “Used Gum”: Wear something pink or minty green and duct tape a shoe to your head.

Those are the Top 7 Costume Ideas for Halloween using duct tape; for more go to Have a fun and safe Halloween! And that’s our bottom of news this Friday, October 29, 2010.


Friday, October 22, 2010

“Only a Guy would do this!”  Friday, October 22, 2010
Good morning my fellow Rotarians.  I recently came across a letter to the editor from a popular women’s magazine about a guy who bought his wife a special anniversary present.  Here it is… 

Last weekend while visiting Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I saw a great gift idea for my wife Julie, for our 15th anniversary.  It was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse Tazer.  The pawn shop owner said Tazer effects are short lived, with no long term adverse affects on an assailant, allowing your wife adequate time to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL!  So, I bought it.

Once home I loaded the required two AAA batteries and pushed the button. Nothing happened.  That was disappointing, but when I pressed it against a metal surface, a blue arc of electricity darted between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie the burn spot on her microwave.  

Okay, I’m home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?  I sat in my recliner with my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) as I was thinking I really need to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if this thing is going to protect my wife against a mugger, I wanted assurance it would work. So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.   

The directions said a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.  Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

This device was only 5" long and pretty cute really, and I’m thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' I cannot explain what happened next. I'm sitting there with Gracie looking at me almost saying 'don't do it stupid,' and I’m reasoning in my mind that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. So, I decided to give myself a one second shot for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...  HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! 

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, my chest on fire and other parts missing for sure.  My left arm was tucked under my body in the oddest position, and I had massive tingling in my legs! 

Gracie was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.  If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:  There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by violent thrashing about on the floor! 

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
  • My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
  • The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally sat.
  • My triceps, right thigh and chest were still twitching.
  • My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
  • I had no control over the drooling.
  • Apparently I had wet my shorts (or more), but was too numb to know for sure.
  • I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my burning hair.
My wife can't stop laughing to this day.  She loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!  If you think education is difficult, try being stupid! 

There you have it...  Only a guy would do this.  And that’s our bottom of news this Friday, October 22, 2010. 

Saturday, October 16, 2010

“Lord, forgive me when I Whine!"

Good morning my fellow Rotarians.  This past week Logan, my 17-year old came to me with a poem he found in Og Mandino’s book entitled “A Better Way to Live.”  Rule #7 is “no whining” and this poem makes the point.  

"Lord, forgive me when I whine!!!"
Author Unknown 

Today, upon a bus, I saw a lovely girl with golden hair,
I envied her, she seemed so happy and I wished I were so fair.
When suddenly she rose to leave, I saw her hobble down the aisle.
She had one leg and wore a crutch; but as she passed she gave me a smile!

Oh God, forgive me when I whine,
I have two legs.  The world is mine!

I stopped to buy a snack and the boy who waited on me had such charm.
I talked with him, he seemed so glad.  And as I left, he said to me, "I thank you, you have been so kind.  It's nice to talk with folks like you.  You see, "he said, "I'm blind."

Oh God, forgive me when I whine.
I have two eyes.  The world is mine.

Later while walking through a park I saw a boy with blue eyes.
He stood and watched the others play.  I stopped and asked him,
"Why don't you play with those kids who are near?"
He looked ahead without a word, and then I knew he could not hear.

Oh God, forgive me when I whine.
I have two ears, the world is mine.

With feet to take me where I'd go, with eyes to see the sunset's glow,
with ears to hear what I would know...

Oh God forgive me when I whine.
I am blessed indeed.  The world is mine!

So, as you go about your day remember and share with your fellow workers, Rule #7…  No whining!  And have a attitude of gratitude!  And that is our bottom of news for this Friday, October 15, 2010.  


Thursday, October 07, 2010

Bottom of the News…  Friday, October 9, 2010
Good morning my fellow Rotarians.  I recently found a “best practices” report from the airline industry and Qantas Airlines has an interesting approach.  Before each flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet,” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems and document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. 

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas’ Pilots (marked with a P) and the Solutions Recorded (marked with an S) by their Maintenance Engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S:  Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Target radar hums.
S:  Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a dwarf pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from dwarf.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.  And that is our bottom of news for this Friday, October 9, 2010.