Thursday, June 11, 2009

Bottom of the News… Friday, June 12, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Today we have a story about a Spanish teacher. She was explaining that in Spanish, unlike in English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. “House” for instance, is feminine: “la casa.” “Pencil” however, is masculine: “el lapiz.”

A student asked, “What gender is computer?”

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, men and women, and asked them to decide for themselves whether “computer” should be a masculine or feminine noun. Each group was asked to give three reasons for their recommendations.

The men’s group decided that computer should definitely be feminine “la computadora” because…

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it, and
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.

The woman’s group however, concluded that “computer” should be masculine “el computador” because…

1. They are supposed to help you SOLVE problems, but half the time they ARE the problem;
2. In order to do anything with them, you have to first turn them on and,
3. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you would have waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model!

So, who do you think won? Men? Women? Dumb question… the women of course! And that is the Bottom of the News on this Friday, June 12, 2009!


Thursday, June 04, 2009

Bottom of the News… Friday, June 5, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Today a breaking news story regarding a bill that was quietly passed in congress back in March. This bill became public yesterday and is called the… “Americans with No Abilities Act,” or AWNAA.

On March 20th congress secretly passed sweeping legislation to provide immediate benefits for Americans and is being hailed as a major legislative initiative for the millions who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not have the drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said a top California senator. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be passed over and employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to workers who really know what they are doing."

This bill makes it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning discriminatory interview questions, such as, "Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?"

Mary Lou Gertzin, a non-abled person said “I can't be expected to keep up with people who have abilites." Mary Lou lost her position as a lug-nut twister at a Flint GM plant due to her inability to remember rightey tightey, lefty loosey. With this law Mary Lou is now guaranteed a career position for life within the automotive industry.

A high ranking congressman from Nevada announced “I am proud to be a senator with no abilities and every American with no abilities should enjoy the same privileges I enjoy. Even inept Americans are entitled to good pay even though some may believe they are good for nothing.”

At a Capitol Hill press conference congress honored government agencies and private industries that have provided opportunity without regard to performance. The US Postal Service and state Motor Vehicle Departments were cited as role models with both agencies immediately meeting all compliance standards. Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the inept include clothing retailers, the airline industry and home improvement stores.

This legislation also provides substantial tax credits for businesses who agree to hire one oblivious worker for every two that have true talent.

And finally, mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable people. More than 25 million mid-level positions will be created under this bill, with important-sounding titles, but little real responsibility. This will fulfill the mission of bill, which is to provide an illusory sense of purpose and performance for millions of incompetent Americans!

So, there you have it, the Americans with No Abilities Act. Our government at it’s finest! This is truly the very Bottom of the News on this Friday, June 5, 2009!