Thursday, August 27, 2009

Bottom of the News… Friday, August 28, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Do you recall Murphy’s Law… “If anything can go wrong it will”? Well, this saying has been around for centuries, but was made famous by Capt. Edward Murphy, an Air Force engineer in charge of a 1968 testing project on how sudden stops from crashes effect pilots. Do they need to runs tests to know the results???

Apparently the testing went wrong quite often and Murphy would say the same thing after each failed test. A project manager decided to keep a list of other “Laws" that the crew came up with during this project and here are a few of them…

Law of Gravity… Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability… The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Dialing… If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of Variation … If you change traffic lanes on the way to the base, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you change to (works every time).

Law of Starbucks … As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, a ranking officer will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Law of the Result… When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Close Encounters… The probability of meeting someone you know off the base increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of Mechanical Repair… After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to go to the restroom.

Law of Physical Surfaces … The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor is directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpeting.

Law of Logical Argument … Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Law of the Alibi… If you tell the colonel you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Law of Public Speaking… A closed mouth gathers no feet.

There they are, Murphy’s recently discovered Laws as the Bottom of the News this Friday, August 28, 2009! ###

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Bottom of the News… Friday, August 21, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. To begin, I offer my apology to the group, and to the young people who were here last week, for a story that was inappropriate. I promised brother Carpenter when I signed up for this gig that I’d keep it clean and well, I blew it and it won’t happen again.

And speaking of a “foot in your mouth” move, today’s news is about job applicants who gave some really dumb answers during job interviews. Some people are nervous or maybe have an outgoing personality, but some seem to lack basic common sense, especially if they want to get a job! Here are a few of the “Dumbest Interview Answers” from real people, compiled by

Q: Why should we hire you?
A: “I would be a great asset to the social events team because I party all the time.”

Q: Why are you looking for a job?
A: “Cigarettes are getting more expensive, so I need another job.”

Q: What are your assets? (as in strengths)
A: “Well, I do own a bike.”

Q: When have you demonstrated leadership skills?
A: “My best example would be online video gaming. I pretty much run the show; it takes a lot of leadership to do that.”

Q: Tell of a time you made a mistake and how you dealt with it
A: “I stole some equipment from my old job, and I had to pay for its replacement.”

Q: What are your weaknesses?
A: “I get angry easily and I went to jail for domestic violence. But I won’t get mad while I am working for you.”

Q: Use three adjectives to describe yourself?
A: “I hate questions like that!”

Q: Why did you leave your last job?
A: “I have a problem with authority.”

Q: What is your most pressing question for me?
A: “If I get an offer, how long do I have before I have to take the drug test?”

Q: Have you submitted your two weeks’ notice to your current employer?
A: “What is two weeks’ notice? I’ve never quit a job before, I’ve always been fired.”

And there you have it, “not-so-smart” answers from people looking for a job… that is the Bottom of the News on this Friday, August 21, 2009! ###

Friday, August 14, 2009

Bottom of the News… Friday, August 14, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Well, my trip down under to Australia was awesome! Great conference, great learnings, lots of food and very cool sight seeing throughout the Sydney area. My favorites were the two tours of the Sydney Harbour, including the great Opera House, one tour by boat at night and the other in a small private airplane. And since I’m a big photo bug, check out my Facebook page where I have tons of cools shots.

Okay, on to the news. Every morning during my trip to the corner Starbucks I would keep my eyes and ears open to “unique” Aussie news, so here’s my report from down under…

SYDNEY, Aus - I learned about an ongoing scam that continues to baffle Australia Police because they cannot recommend a prosecution. Here’s how the scam works… A company takes out a newspaper ad selling cheap imported hard core porno videos. People send in orders and pay by check.

After several weeks, the company writes back to the buyers explaining that under the present
Australian law they cannot supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of their company check. Most people however, do not take those checks to their bank due to the company name… “The Sex and Fetish Perversion Company." Hmmmm, is that the perfect scam???

PERTH, Aus – A lady in Perth sued the state lottery for mental distress. Helen de Cier said she suffered mental distress when her neighbors won the lottery and she did not. Prize winners are chosen by postal code and de Gier would have shared in the $22.2 million if she had bought a $13 dollar-50 ticket (as the Aussies say it) along with her seven neighbors on her block.

de Grier accused the organizers of "emotional blackmail" and demanded compensation, but the court said she LOST and the judgment said that lottery organizers could not be held responsible for those who fail to buy a bloody ticket and then later regret it.

BRISBANE, Aus - Australian doctors plugged a poisoned Italian tourist into a vodka drip after their medicinal alcohol ran out (Hmmm, sounds like health care rationing???). Doctors contend they needed to take such a drastic measure to save his life.

Why? Well, for some unknown reason, the 24-year-old Italian patient had ingested a huge quantity of antifreeze, but when such things happen (I wonder how frequent this might be???), pure alcohol is given to inhibit the toxic effects of the antifreeze ingredients.

Apparently, supply delivery is slow in Australia because the patient was on the straight vodka drip at a rate of three standard drinks per hour AND this occurred continuously for 72 hours in the intensive care unit. The patient made a successful recovery and was quoted as saying he was very pleased with the treatment and care he had received in the Australian hospital. I bet, but I wonder if they charged him by the drink?

Well, no worries mates, that is the Bottom of the News on this Friday, August 14, 2009! ###