Friday, September 30, 2011

Top 10 'Out of Office' Email Replies

Good morning my fellow Rotarians.  This morning I thought I’d go practical and give you some info that you could actually use.  So, here are the Top 10 all time favorite ‘Out of Office’ automated email replies… 

# 10.  Thank you for your message, which has been added to our q-ing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

# 9.  Our e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.   (NOTE: The beauty of this idea is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over!)

# 8.  I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I DON’T get the position. Be forewarned about my mood.

# 7.  Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your computer for my response.

# 6.  I’m out of the office for 2 weeks due to medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Bob'

# 5.  I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

# 4.  Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

# 3.  I've finally decided to run away to join a different circus!

# 2.  Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

# 1.  You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't receive anything from me at all.

So, did you hear one you can use sometime soon?  You may want to double check your company communications policy before you go there!  And that, my friends, is the bottom of the news on this September 30th, 2011. 


Friday, September 09, 2011

9-11 Remembered

Good morning my fellow Rotarians.  This Sunday, September 11th, will be the 10th anniversary of the most memorable tragedy of this generation in US history – the 9-11 terrorist attacks on our country.

Do you remember where you were at 8:45 am that Tuesday morning or what you were doing when you first heard the news?  Most people do.  For some it was like the first Challenger explosion or for a few of us, when JFK was shot.  For my Dad, it instantly brought back memories of Pearl Harbor when he was 8 years old.

At 8:45 a.m. an American Airlines 767 crashed into the north tower of the World Trade Center near the 80th floor instantly killing hundreds of people and trapping hundreds more in higher floors.  Initially most people thought it was a freak accident. Then, 18 minutes later a second 767 from United Airlines hit the south tower at the 60th floor. The massive explosion that followed caused many to realize that these were not freak accidents, but an attack on our country. 

I was in Galena, IL ready to start a meeting with my Midwest regional team and my assistant called asking if I wanted to join her for breakfast to do a final agenda review.  She also commented that there was a story on TV about some ‘nut’ who apparently crashed a plane into the World Trade Center, but hey crazy stuff happens in that town, right?  Shortly thereafter I got a call asking if I had a cell number for one of our New York guys because his office number was out of service.  Hmmm, that seemed odd, but I gave her the number and went on to breakfast. 

Walking through the lobby I didn’t give much notice to the small crowd around the TV and as breakfast went on people seemed more restless.  My admin called me again, this time kind of upset, asking me “Are you watching the news right now?  If not, find a TV, something is up in New York!”  The lobby was now so full I couldn’t get near the TV and my 9 am meeting was about to start late, so I bolted, thinking I will catch up with the news later. 

My team of 35, all women, except for one guy, were quietly waiting.  I was the last one in and they all looked at me like I was a scary monster or something.  “Okay,” I said, “what’s up with you guys, did somebody die or something?”  Oops, not the right thing to say.  Nobody said a word.  Jill said she had been trying to reach her brother in NY who worked near the towers and cell service was out.  Finally, someone told me what was going on and I was shocked. Clearly, our training meeting was done before it started.  We found a TV, watched the next hour unfold as a group, prayed together and then we all went home.

By lunch time, I’m sitting at the Galena McDonald’s with my regional coordinator, both of us feeling numb to the morning’s events.  The reports continued to come out with the collapse of the towers, the crash at the Pentagon and a fourth plane crashing in a Pennsylvania field.  And later learning of the passengers on United Flight 93, led by Todd Beamer, whose final words came through an open line…  "Are you guys ready? Let's roll."  Amazing. 

When I got home that afternoon I found Logan, my then 8-year old son, sitting on the floor glued to the TV.  Strange, that was how I found my Mom, glued to the TV and crying, when I walked in, home early from school on November 22nd, the day Pres. Kennedy was shot.  

By 9:00 that night Pres Bush addressed our country, declaring "Terrorist attacks can shake the foundations of our biggest buildings, but they cannot touch the foundation of America. These acts shatter steel, but they cannot dent the steel of American resolve." I cannot begin to imagine what he and his people went through that day and beyond. 

May we never forget 9-11.  You know, my Dad said the same about Pearl Harbor.  May we always remember the nearly 3,000 Americans who died, including those brave rescue workers.  And may we each have an 'attitude of gratitude' for those who continue to fight for our country, our people and our freedoms as a nation.  That day everyone grew closer to God.  May we always remember that HE is in control.  May we always remember.  And this is our news on this Friday, September 09, 2011.  


Friday, September 02, 2011

 Not So Common Criminals

Good morning my fellow Rotarians.  This news is really from the bottom as we check in on a few common and not-so-smart criminals… 

What planet are you from?
Victoria, AUS:  After being pulled over by police, Eilish De Avalon was asked to show her driver's license. De Avalon said she didn't have one because she said she was an alien from another world and didn’t require one.  She also told the officer, "Your laws and penalties don't apply to me. I'm not accepting them. I'm sorry, I must go, thank you."

She rolled up her window drove off with the police officer’s arm caught in the window.  The officer was dragged for nearly 15 minutes at speeds up to 40 mph before finally grabbing her keys from the ignition when she slowed down for traffic. The officer suffered serious injuries and was hospitalized for two weeks.

De Avalon, who also says she's a witch, pleaded guilty to recklessly causing injury to a police officer, dangerous driving, driving with a suspended license, and the original charge… using a mobile phone while driving. She got a 6 months sentence and fined $1,250.  And, at her request, she was sentenced on Friday the 13th.  Weird!    

What, no tip?
Springfield, MO:  The manager of the Waffle House says three women came into the restaurant around 6:15 a.m., had breakfast and then ran when they were handed their bill for $39.31.

When the manager called police, he said he knew two of their names because they left their purses at the restaurant when they ran and so the manager locked them in his office. Before police arrived, one woman returned and "demanded" he turn the purses over to her, but he refused.  Police didn't release identities, but noted the left behind purses contained paycheck stubs and both women were apparently employed at another Waffle House.

The key to his problem!
Pasco County, FL:  Shawn Martinis, 25, flagged down a sheriff's deputy to ask for help to remove some handcuffs.  Martinis said he let a woman put toy handcuffs on him and then realized they were real.  The woman apparently did not have the key and abandoned him.

Before un-cuffing Martinis, the deputy said he’d need to pat him down just to be safe.  The deputy found a hypodermic needle and some drugs; arresting Martinis on possession of a controlled substance and drug paraphernalia.  Martinez could not explain why the woman put him in handcuffs on him in the first place or why she left him.  Okay, here’s my big question…  toy handcuffs?  Really? 

There you go, isn’t it a good thing that many criminals are not the sharpest guys in the world?  And that is the bottom of the news for this Friday, September 2, 2011.