Friday, May 30, 2008

Bottom of the News… Friday, May 30, 2008

Good morning my fellow Rotarians… This week I thought you'd enjoy some church bulletin announcements, but they have a few typos and mistakes in them. Okay, so let’s give a listen to church bulletin bloopers from across America…

“Ladies, remember our rummage sale this Saturday; it's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.”

“Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double doors at the side entrance.”

“At tonight’s evening service the sermon is entitled "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.”

“Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.”

“Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.”

“Remember to pray for the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love and say "hell" to someone who doesn't like you.

“The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.”

“The ‘Low Self Esteem Support Group’ will meet this Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.”

“Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.”

“Our Associate Minister unveiled the church's new fundraising campaign slogan last Sunday entitled… ‘I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours’."

And there you have them, real church bloopers and that is the Bottom of the News for Friday, May 30th, 2008.


Thursday, May 15, 2008

Bottom of the News… Friday, May 16, 2008

Good morning my fellow Rotarians… This past Sunday was one of all time favorite special Sundays as Mother’s Day. Better late than never to still go ahead and honor our mom’s with some LESSONS TAUGHT BY MOM…

My mother taught me about being a contortionist… "Look at the back of your neck. It's filthy."

My mother taught me about stamina… "You will sit there until all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about weather… "Your room looks like it was hit by a tornado."

My mother taught me about straight talk… "If I told you once, I told you a million times, don't exaggerate."

My mother taught me religion… "You had better pray that the stuff you spilled will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me foresight… "Make sure you wear clean underwear. You never know when you might be in an accident and be taken to the hospital."

My mother taught me control… "Keep laughing and I will give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of osmosis… "Shut your mouth, and eat your supper."

My mother taught me logic… "Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me there's a time and place for everything… "If you are going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning the house."

My mother taught me patience and fear... "Wait til you father gets home!"

My mother taught me the quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

My mother taught me a closed mouth gathers no foot.

My mother taught me that some days you are the bug and other days you are the windshield.

My mother taught me never to test the depth of the water with both feet.

My mother taught me if you always tell the truth, you won't have to remember what you said and to whom.

So, to all moms, even though a few days late… we love you and thank you for your pearls of wisdom… Happy (belated) Mother’s Day!

And that is the Bottom of the News for Friday, May 16, 2008.


Friday, May 02, 2008

Bottom of the News… Friday, May 2, 2008

Good morning my fellow Rotarians… Well, it was kind of a slow bottom of the news week and it’s been awhile since we have given a listen to some of the darndest things said by kids… So, here you have it, young wisdom out of the mouths of babes!

A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

Another three-year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. I KNOW they are MY feet."

On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

My 10-year old says that people can predict the future with cards. Or at least his mother can. Really? "Yes," he says "she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home."

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "Dad, what happened to the flea?"

A four-year-old girl was learning to say the Lord's Prayer. She was reciting it all by herself without help from her mother and she finished up by saying… "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail. AMEN!"

Yes, it is true most of the time, kids say the darndest things! And this is the Bottom of the News for Friday, May 2, 2008.