“Only a Guy would do this!”  Friday, October 22, 2010

Good morning my fellow Rotarians.  I recently came across a letter to the editor from a popular women’s magazine about a guy who bought his wife a special anniversary present.  Here it is… 

Last weekend while visiting Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I saw a great gift idea for my wife Julie, for our 15th anniversary.  It was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse Tazer.  The pawn shop owner said Tazer effects are short lived, with no long term adverse affects on an assailant, allowing your wife adequate time to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL!  So, I bought it.

Once home I loaded the required two AAA batteries and pushed the button. Nothing happened.  That was disappointing, but when I pressed it against a metal surface, a blue arc of electricity darted between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie the burn spot on her microwave.  

Okay, I’m home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?  I sat in my recliner with my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) as I was thinking I really need to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if this thing is going to protect my wife against a mugger, I wanted assurance it would work. So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.   

The directions said a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.  Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

This device was only 5" long and pretty cute really, and I’m thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' I cannot explain what happened next. I'm sitting there with Gracie looking at me almost saying 'don't do it stupid,' and I’m reasoning in my mind that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. So, I decided to give myself a one second shot for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...  HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! 

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, my chest on fire and other parts missing for sure.  My left arm was tucked under my body in the oddest position, and I had massive tingling in my legs! 

Gracie was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.  If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:  There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by violent thrashing about on the floor! 

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

• My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
• The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally sat.
• My triceps, right thigh and chest were still twitching.
• My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
• I had no control over the drooling.
• Apparently I had wet my shorts (or more), but was too numb to know for sure.
• I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my burning hair.

My wife can't stop laughing to this day.  She loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!  If you think education is difficult, try being stupid! 

There you have it...  Only a guy would do this.  And that’s our bottom of news this Friday, October 22, 2010. 
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