Drug Teachers, Super Sized Fliers & Old Men Driving

Good morning my fellow Rotarians, here is our latest bottom of the news stories on this Friday, November 12th…

HOUSTON, TX:  Drug Teachers…  Teachers in Houston are crying foul because the Houston School District has decided school "zero tolerance" policies should apply to teachers as well.  At least eight teachers, including a Texas "Teacher of the Year," have been arrested on drug charges, two of them twice, after school police with drug-sniffing dogs were brought in to search teachers' cars and desks. The searches are "a very wide and very destructive dragnet," complained Tom Shahiria, a former attorney, now a fifth-grade teacher.  He says that he has a problem with "using the zero-tolerance laws that show zero compassion and zero common sense."  Hmmm, seems like a classic case of “do as I say, not as I do” example.

QUEENSLAND, AUS: Super Sized Flying…  Samantha Scafe was incensed when she flew Jetstar Airlines recently.  Jetstar made her pay for two seats because she weighs 353 lbs, but Scafe says that when she booked her ticket by phone the airline told her "not to worry about paying for a second seat."  However, when she arrived at the airport the agents told her that “for other people’s comfort” because of her size, she needed to pay for a second seat.  She argued that the agent was discriminating against her, but eventually gave up and paid for the extra seat.  Upon boarding the airplane she quickly realized there was a problem… her two seats were not together. Scafe is now considering suing the airline for discrimination, public embarrassment and severe emotional trauma.

TAMPA, FL:  Old Men Driving…  Stanley Makowski, 79, has lived in Tampa, FL for 30 years and lost his license last year after he drove away after an accident – the police said it was a hit and run. To get his license back he has to take pass the standard written test, which is 20 multiple-choice questions and you need 15 correct answers to pass. The test does not have a time limit, plus you can take it as many times as you need to pass.  "I've been driving for 65 years and, see and they keep making changes to the rules and they never tell me," he explains.  “Maybe I'll try again tomorrow." If and when he passes the written test, then he has to take a driving test.  He can only fail this test five times and then Florida will ban him from driving for life.  And oh, did I tell you, over the past year, Markowski has failed the 20 Question written test 72 times.

And there you have it, that’s our bottom of news this Friday, 11-12-2010.  ###

“Duct Tape Halloween Costume Ideas”

Friday, October 29, 2010: Good morning my fellow Rotarians. With Halloween upon us this weekend I know what it is like scrambling at the last minute for costume ideas (just did that last night at our house!).

So, if you still don’t know what you (or your kids) might be wearing, I thought I’d share some practical and inexpensive suggestions. Here are the Top 7 Costume Ideas from the “Duct Tape Guys”…


#7. The “Skeleton”: Wear black pants and a black turtle neck; use white duct tape to make “bones” or use silver duct tape if you’d like to be a “Terminator Skeleton”.

#6. Be a human “Baked Potato”: Duct tape over your puffy down ski jacket; use white duct tape for the dollop of sour cream on your head.

#5. The “Human Shower”: Put a raincoat and use an old broomstick to help duct tape a Hula-Hoop™ over your head. Add a showerhead and shower curtain to the Hula-Hoop™.

#4. (Dads of teenagers will relate to this idea.) Cover yourself totally with silver Duct tape and hang a twenty dollar bill out of your mouth. Presto! You've become the Human ATM!

#3. “Wizard of Oz Tin Man”: Duct tape your entire body, except for your face. Duct tape a funnel to your head and carry around a duct tape covered oil can and axe.

#2. Duct tape a small child to your back and go as a “hunch-backed-two-headed guy.” If no child is available substitute a store mannequin, duct tape its head to your shoulder, and go as “The Thing with Two Heads”.


#1. And finally, the easiest duct tape costume of all… You can be “Used Gum”: Wear something pink or minty green and duct tape a shoe to your head.


Those are the Top 7 Costume Ideas for Halloween using duct tape; for more go to www.ducttapeguys.com. Have a fun and safe Halloween! And that’s our bottom of news this Friday, October 29, 2010.

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“Only a Guy would do this!”  Friday, October 22, 2010

Good morning my fellow Rotarians.  I recently came across a letter to the editor from a popular women’s magazine about a guy who bought his wife a special anniversary present.  Here it is… 

Last weekend while visiting Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I saw a great gift idea for my wife Julie, for our 15th anniversary.  It was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse Tazer.  The pawn shop owner said Tazer effects are short lived, with no long term adverse affects on an assailant, allowing your wife adequate time to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL!  So, I bought it.

Once home I loaded the required two AAA batteries and pushed the button. Nothing happened.  That was disappointing, but when I pressed it against a metal surface, a blue arc of electricity darted between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie the burn spot on her microwave.  

Okay, I’m home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?  I sat in my recliner with my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) as I was thinking I really need to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if this thing is going to protect my wife against a mugger, I wanted assurance it would work. So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.   

The directions said a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.  Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

This device was only 5" long and pretty cute really, and I’m thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' I cannot explain what happened next. I'm sitting there with Gracie looking at me almost saying 'don't do it stupid,' and I’m reasoning in my mind that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. So, I decided to give myself a one second shot for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...  HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! 

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, my chest on fire and other parts missing for sure.  My left arm was tucked under my body in the oddest position, and I had massive tingling in my legs! 

Gracie was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.  If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:  There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by violent thrashing about on the floor! 

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

• My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
• The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally sat.
• My triceps, right thigh and chest were still twitching.
• My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
• I had no control over the drooling.
• Apparently I had wet my shorts (or more), but was too numb to know for sure.
• I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my burning hair.

My wife can't stop laughing to this day.  She loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!  If you think education is difficult, try being stupid! 

There you have it...  Only a guy would do this.  And that’s our bottom of news this Friday, October 22, 2010. 
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“Lord, forgive me when I Whine!"

Good morning my fellow Rotarians.  This past week Logan, my 17-year old came to me with a poem he found in Og Mandino’s book entitled “A Better Way to Live.”  Rule #7 is “no whining” and this poem makes the point.  

"Lord, forgive me when I whine!!!"
-Author Unknown 

Today, upon a bus, I saw a lovely girl with golden hair,
I envied her, she seemed so happy and I wished I were so fair.
When suddenly she rose to leave, I saw her hobble down the aisle.
She had one leg and wore a crutch; but as she passed she gave me a smile!

Oh God, forgive me when I whine,
I have two legs.  The world is mine!

I stopped to buy a snack and the boy who waited on me had such charm.
I talked with him, he seemed so glad.  And as I left, he said to me, "I thank you, you have been so kind.  It's nice to talk with folks like you.  You see, "he said, "I'm blind."

Oh God, forgive me when I whine.
I have two eyes.  The world is mine.

Later while walking through a park I saw a boy with blue eyes.
He stood and watched the others play.  I stopped and asked him,
"Why don't you play with those kids who are near?"
He looked ahead without a word, and then I knew he could not hear.

Oh God, forgive me when I whine.
I have two ears, the world is mine.

With feet to take me where I'd go, with eyes to see the sunset's glow,
with ears to hear what I would know...
Oh God forgive me when I whine.
I am blessed indeed.  The world is mine!

So, as you go about your day remember and share with your fellow workers, Rule #7…  No whining!  And have a attitude of gratitude!  And that is our bottom of news for this Friday, October 15, 2010.  

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Bottom of the News…  Friday, October 9, 2010

 

Good morning my fellow Rotarians.  I recently found a “best practices” report from the airline industry and Qantas Airlines has an interesting approach.  Before each flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet,” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems and document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. 

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas’ Pilots (marked with a P) and the Solutions Recorded (marked with an S) by their Maintenance Engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S:  Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Target radar hums.
S:  Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a dwarf pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from dwarf.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.  And that is our bottom of news for this Friday, October 9, 2010.   

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Bottom of the News… Friday, October 1, 2010

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Did you know that 120 years ago tomorrow the man who was one of the quickest wits in comedy was born October 2, 1890. Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx was born in Manhattan, NY. Groucho was in radio, TV and films; he made 13 films with brothers Harpo & Chico. Movies such as The Cocoanuts, Animal Crackers, Monkey Business, Horse Feathers, Duck Soup, and A Night at the Opera.

His most successful radio/TV shows were You Bet Your Life and Tell it to Groucho. His distinctive appearance, carried over from his days in vaudeville, included quirks such as an exaggerated stooped posture, glasses, cigars, and a thick greasepaint moustache and eyebrows. Groucho died August 1977 at the age of 87, but with little notice because it was only 3 days after Elvis died.

And I thought I’d share some of Groucho’s quotes…
• Although most know, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.
• Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
• Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
• He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot!
• You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.
• I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
• I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
• If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
• I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
• I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
• I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
• Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
• Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!
• Quote me as saying I was misquoted.

And there you have it, the man with the moustache, eyebrows and funny walk, Groucho Marx, in honor of his 120th birthday as the bottom of our news for this Friday, October 2, 2010.

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Bottom of the News… Friday, September 17, 2010

Adolescent Proverbs

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. This morning I’m happy to report that officially we have some new and “improved” Proverbs as reported by Miss Laura Smith, first grade teacher from Delaware. Miss Smith gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the rest. Here are a few samples…

Better to be safe than… punch a 5th grader.
Never underestimate the power of… termites.
A miss is as good as a… mister.
An idle mind is… the best way to relax.

Happy is the bride who… gets all the presents.
Two is company, three’s… the Musketeers.
None are so blind as… Helen Keller.
When the blind lead the blind… get out of the way!

Children should be seen and not… spanked or grounded.
If at first you don’t succeed… get new batteries.
Don’t bite the hand that… looks dirty.
The pen is mightier than… the pigs.

You can’t teach an old dog… math.
If you lie with dogs, you will… stink in the morning.
Strike while the… bug is close.
A penny saved… is not much.

And there you have ‘em, adolescent proverbs from a bunch of first graders as the bottom of our news for this Friday, September 17, 2010.
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Bottom of the News… Friday, August 27, 2010

My European Report

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Well, it seems I’ve been gone forever. I had the privilege to travel Europe for some vacation time with my family and then a conference in Barcelona. I thought I would use our news time to share just a few thoughts and experiences from my trip…

Two experiences at the Paris airport were a bit discomforting. First was security and customs. The sensitivity meter was set on super high and each of the four times I went thru, it set off alarms and caused more attention from the guards. Twice a full body search was not cool. They weren’t friendly, expected me to understand French and seemed down right irritated when they finally figured out that that my wedding ring was the culprit.

Second, were the armed military guys with dogs and AK-47’s paroling the terminals. We learned on the plane out of France that there had been a failed terrorist attack the week before, thus everything and everyone were on high alert. Two weeks later all seemed normal.

For Lonna, this trip was a long time coming and we planned ahead; Barcelona and France did not disappoint. We walked a lot and used the subway and buses more each day. Barcelona is a city of 6+ million people that never sleeps. Lonna’s favorite area was a former fishing village in France called Coloure, located on the Mediterranean in the Pyrenees Mountains. It had 500+ year old castles and a Notre Dame cathedral – I described them as very old! It also was home for many artists over the centuries; some dude named Picasso hung out there for 20-some years.

Logan, our 17-year old, was a joy to watch. He would use his “I’m an Americano” approach to meet lots of people, especially girls. He kept saying he couldn’t tell how old they were – right!

Did you know that Facebook is a universal language? Every time Logan met someone he would pull out his post-it pad and collect their name and FB ID and then each evening would connect again online. His goal was to get more international “friends” than anyone else at Kennedy and by the end of the week he had met people from a dozen different countries.

My favorite person was a nun from Australia. This 72 year-old was on a 2-month world trip she had won celebrating the 400th anniversary of her order. When we learned we were from the US she launched into how much she and her fellow sisters appreciate all the US does for them and the rest of the world. She said she gets so mad when people tear down the US. “They are ungrateful and quickly forget who always bails them out!” she said. And then, as we were leaving she got in my face and said, “Do me a favor when you get back to America. Kneel down, kiss the ground and thank God for living in a great country – please do that for me.” Wow, we all cried. We were speechless as we silently hugged and parted ways.

And finally, Logan also knew enough Spanish to get a lot done. Yet it took me a couple of days to figure out a phrase that I heard him say often, which would cause people to laugh. “Loco papa no Espanol!” Yep, that is correct; your crazy dad does not speak Spanish! It was awesome family time, a vacation filled with many memories. And yet, I am glad to be home.

And that’s my international report as the bottom of our news for this Friday, August 27, 2010.
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Bottom of the News - Friday, July 30, 2010

Little Known Facts Of Interest...

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. This morning we take a look at some little know facts that may possibly be of interest to you…

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

Did you known that half of all Americans live within 50 miles of… their birthplace.

If you were to spell out numbers that you would have to go all the way to one thousand before you would find the letter "A".

All of these things have one thing in common… bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers… all were invented by women.

Did you know that honey is the only food that doesn't spoil?

Did you know that on Father’s Day there are more collect calls than any other day of the year?

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase, "goodnight, sleep tight."

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

And finally, did you know that on this very day at 7:04 pm, in 1954, St. Joseph’s Hospital, New Hampton, IA, yours truly landed on this planet as the first son of Stanley and Judy Drewelow. And the Mother Ship has never returned to claim me!

And those little known facts are the bottom of our news for this Friday, July 30, 2010.
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Bottom of the News… Friday, July 23, 2010

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Since having our own duck race recently, I have seen a few others in the news that I thought you all might find of interest…

Rubber Duck Invasion! - Nova Scotia, Canada: A major investigation was launched this week to determine the origin of the growing flotilla of rubber ducks that have been inundating Yarmouth Harbor for the past two weeks. The busy harbor has become awash with the small yellow bath toys which has created a danger zone for ferry and other boats that run from the island to the Mainland.

The ducks have been arriving over the past two weeks and officials have now declared them to be a major menace. At one point, Yarmouth Harbor looked like a giant carnival booth as officials tried to clear the blockade of ducks that were preventing boats from entering or exiting the harbor.

According to harbor master Herbert Drowney, they just recently determined where the ducks were coming from, with initial clues coming from contact details found on their bottoms.

Drowney learned that many towns on the mainland in New Brunswick and Maine run charity Duck Races in the summer. Most events along the coast throw thousands of ducks into the ocean to race them. However many ducks disappear in the tides and strong currents.

According to experts, the tides around the south end of Nova Scotia typically funnel most items out to sea, but the unique shape of a rubber duck causes them to swing into the harbor, almost as if they are attracted to the boats. Drowney continues to retrieve ducks from the harbor and this fall is planning to open a new toy store call Drowney Ducks – his main product will be “collectable survivor rubber ducks.”

Runaway Rubber Ducks need to be Rounded Up - Fort Wayne, IN: A child advocacy agency is hoping to get all its ducks in a row after more than 1,000 of their rubber entrants in a charity duck race floated to freedom in northeast Indiana.

The agency called Stop Child Abuse & Neglect says 17,000 rubber ducks were dropped into the St. Joseph River in Fort Wayne during the June 19th fundraiser, but that only 15,000 were retrieved that day. Spokeswoman Jennifer Boen says about 1,000 of the rogue ducks have since been recovered, and that some of the others have been spotted as far away as Ohio.

Duck Race Smashes World Record! - London: Organizers of Sunday's Great British Duck Race on the River Thames in Surrey say there were 205,000 rubber ducks in their race, nearly 5,000 more than the old record set last year. This unusual race wasn't just for fun however; it also raised money for the NSPCC, the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children.

Hundreds of spectators, some in duck costumes, lined the banks of the Thames to watch. All the ducks were adopted by people or businesses for £2 each, plus a donation to the NSPCC.

The owner of the winning duck #023871 wins £10,000, but as of Monday Noon, the winner had not yet come forward. This has been typical; several winners in the past never claimed their winnings either to allow the charity to keep the prize money. And one final note… this race took nearly three hours for the winning duck to cross the finish line! Wow, that’s a quaker!

And there you have it, our favorite yellow friends in the bottom of our news for this Friday, July 23, 2010.
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Bottom of the News… Friday, July 16, 2010

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. This morning we look back at this day in history at memorable events that shaped our world…

July 16, 1790… Only 14 years after signing the Declaration of Independence, the US Congress declared that a swampy, humid, muddy and mosquito-infested site on the Potomac River between Maryland and Virginia would become the nation's permanent capital. Named after the leader of the American Revolution, “Washington” would be a part of a designated a federal "District of Columbia." Geo Washington was out of office before the White House was finished, which took 10 years to complete. President John Adams was the first resident for only one year in 1800 followed by Thomas Jefferson.

July 16, 1935… The world's first parking meter, known as Park-O-Meter No. 1, was installed on the corner of First St & Robinson Ave in Oklahoma City. The meter was the brainchild of a newspaper owner to help combat limited parking in their growing downtown. Many opposed the meters calling the fees another “tax” on their cars – it cost 5 cents to park for one hour. Retailers however loved them because they encouraged quick turnover of cars and customers. Along with meters came the first painted parking spaces. Within 10 years over 140,000 meters were operating in the US.

July 16, 1945… 65 years ago, the US successfully tested their first atom bomb at Alamogordo, New Mexico. The six year Manhattan Project was the key to ending World War II, when the bomb was soon to be dropped twice on Japan to force their surrender. The original budget for the Manhattan Project was $6,000 and actually cost over $2 billion.

July 16, 1964… Republican presidential nominee Barry M. Goldwater of Arizona accepted the nomination for his party and went on to be soundly beaten by Texas Democrat Lyndon Johnson. Johnson was former VP and then president just nine months earlier after the assassination of John Kennedy.

July 16, 1969… Apollo 11, the first US mission to put men on the moon, launched from Cape Canaveral, FL. The craft traveled 240,000 miles in 76 hours and shortly thereafter, astronaut Neil Armstrong was the first human to walk on the moon beginning with his infamous quote to millions back on earth… "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." The Appollo project involved over 400,000 engineers, technicians, and scientists, and cost $24 billion as a result of President John F. Kennedy's 1961 mandate to beat the Soviets to the moon.

July 16, 1980… Former actor and California Gov. Ronald Reagan won the Republican presidential nomination at the party's convention in Detroit on a conservative platform and went on later that year to beat sitting president Jimmy Carter in a landslide victory.

There you go, notable events on this day in history, the bottom of our news for this Friday, July 16, 2010.

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