Bottom of the News… Friday, October 16, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Today our speaker will most likely share his ideas and vision for our city and maybe even give us a glimpse of his leadership style.

As you know, this reporter does not make it a common practice to offer advice to our guests, BUT since expressing opinions seems to be a very popular thing during this political season, I thought it only appropriate to offer just a few quotes in regard to leadership. We begin with…

• Delegating work works, provided the one who is delegating works, as well. - Robert Half
• The leadership instinct you are born with is the backbone. You then must develop the funny bone and the wishbone that go with it. - Elaine Agather
• Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because they want to do it. - Dwight Eisenhower
• A leader is a dealer in hope. - Napoleon Bonaparte
• Leaders don't tell people HOW to do things, they tell them WHAT to do and let them surprise you with their results. – General George Patton
• The key to successful leadership today is influence, not position or authority. – Ken Blancard
• Inventories can be managed, but people must be led. – Ross Perot
• The best leader is the one who has sense enough to pick good men to do what needs to be done, and self-restraint to keep from meddling with them while they do it. - Teddy Roosevelt
• To be a leader, you have to make people want to follow you, and nobody wants to follow someone who doesn't know where he is going. – Joe Nameth
• Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things. - Peter F. Drucker
• Remember, perceptions become people’s reality, so the first responsibility of a leader is to define reality. - Max Depree
• If you think you are leader and turn around to see that no one is following you, then you are simply out for a walk. - John Maxwell
• Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men; the other 999 follow women. - Groucho Marx

And there you have it, pearls of wisdom on leadership, for our special guest (does that give you some help?) and for each of us. This is the Bottom of the News for Friday, October 16, 2009! ###

Bottom of the News… Friday, October 2, 2009

Good morning everyone and welcome to the bottom of the news. Today I am going to share with you some “not so important THINGS that you really don’t need to know,” in other words useless info to impress family, friends and fellow workers…

• The strongest muscle in the body is your toungue.
• Only one person in 2 billion will live to be 116 years old.
• Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
• The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagra Falls froze completely solid.
• There is no Betty Rubble in Flintstone's chewable vitamins.
• Banging your head against the wall uses 150 calories per hour.
• Right handed people live on average, nine years longer than left handed people.
• Polar bears are left handed.
• A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
• the shortes war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896; Zanzibar surrended after 38 minutes.
• Donald Duck was originally banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
• Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
• More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in airplane crashes.

And there you have it, THINGS that you don’t REALLY need to know as the Bottom of the News on this October 2, 2009!

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Bottom of the News… Friday, September 25, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Today for our news I want to speak to the parents of teenagers. How many have teenagers? So, here is a question… have you read some of their writings lately, like for English, language arts or some other writing class? Well, you may be in for a surprise because the age of the computer, internet, email, Facebook, text messaging and more has changed the way our kids communicate and specifically how they write.

Here are some examples by teenagers, as collected by HS English teachers…

• She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before he hurls.
• Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
• The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
• Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
• The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots being fried in hot grease.
• The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
• The ballerina rose gracefully extending one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
• It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around the house with power tools.
• He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
• He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
• McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

Those are classics! And there you have it modern day examples of writings from our teenagers. They are the Bottom of the News on this Friday, September 25th, 2009! ###

Bottom of the News… Friday, September 11, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Today, the 8th anniversary of 911, is not a typical bottom of the news day. For many it was a day when their world hit rock bottom. For others it was an event that created a reawaking in America.

It’s hard to believe how quickly the time has passed -- it seems like yesterday -- since we heard those first unbelievable reports that a plane, then another plane, had crashed into both of the World Trade Center towers. For a generation of young people who were not around when President Kennedy was assassinated or when Neil Armstrong walked on the moon, or when the Challenger exploded… events remembered forever. That 911 day in New York City, Washington, D.C., and a field in Pennsylvania -- are pivotal. Their impact will never be forgotten.

So, where were you about two hours from now on Tuesday, Sept 11th? What was your first reaction? What about the people around you?

For me I was in Galena, IL just starting a training meeting with my Midwest directors. While grabbing some breakfast on the run from the lobby I saw a glimpse of a news story about a plane crash somewhere, but kept moving. 15 minutes later my admin called and asked if I had heard about plane crashes around the World Trade towers and my first reaction was “are you kidding?” 5 minutes later she calls back to tell me that in making her regular calls to several of our east coast offices she could not get thru because all phone circuits were overloaded. Something bigger seemed to be unfolding.

The final straw was when one of our directors got a cell phone call from her sister in Manhattan to let her know she was okay. She was frantic and said the US was under attack and that is was chaos in NY City. Upon sharing that news with the 20 people in our group, our meeting was over. We all found a TV and stood in shock as we watched. It was surreal and unbelievable. I soon gathered our group together, prayed with them and then sent them home to be with their families. I am sure you can replay that morning for yourself as well.

911 is an unforgettable moment in history AND should be a reminder to never take our freedom and liberty and some much more for granted. We must be always ready to protect and defend our country and our fellow man. I consider it a duty and responsibility.

Todd Beamer believed this while being held hostage on United Airlines Flight 93. He didn’t stand by, he lived his life ready and that’s how he died taking on three terrorist hijackers, along with his fellow passengers, crashing into a Pennsylvania field.

Todd’s final words were… “Are you guys ready, let’s roll!” Those words will be remembered as those of a husband, a father, a leader, a hero and a true American patriot. September 11, 2001, may we never forget AND may we always be ready. And this is the news on this day, 911, 2009.

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Bottom of the News… Friday, August 28, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Do you recall Murphy’s Law… “If anything can go wrong it will”? Well, this saying has been around for centuries, but was made famous by Capt. Edward Murphy, an Air Force engineer in charge of a 1968 testing project on how sudden stops from crashes effect pilots. Do they need to runs tests to know the results???

Apparently the testing went wrong quite often and Murphy would say the same thing after each failed test. A project manager decided to keep a list of other “Laws" that the crew came up with during this project and here are a few of them…

Law of Gravity… Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability… The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Dialing… If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of Variation … If you change traffic lanes on the way to the base, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you change to (works every time).

Law of Starbucks … As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, a ranking officer will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Law of the Result… When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Close Encounters… The probability of meeting someone you know off the base increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of Mechanical Repair… After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to go to the restroom.

Law of Physical Surfaces … The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor is directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpeting.

Law of Logical Argument … Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Law of the Alibi… If you tell the colonel you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Law of Public Speaking… A closed mouth gathers no feet.

There they are, Murphy’s recently discovered Laws as the Bottom of the News this Friday, August 28, 2009! ###

Bottom of the News… Friday, August 21, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. To begin, I offer my apology to the group, and to the young people who were here last week, for a story that was inappropriate. I promised brother Carpenter when I signed up for this gig that I’d keep it clean and well, I blew it and it won’t happen again.

And speaking of a “foot in your mouth” move, today’s news is about job applicants who gave some really dumb answers during job interviews. Some people are nervous or maybe have an outgoing personality, but some seem to lack basic common sense, especially if they want to get a job! Here are a few of the “Dumbest Interview Answers” from real people, compiled by CareerBuilder.com:

Q: Why should we hire you?
A: “I would be a great asset to the social events team because I party all the time.”

Q: Why are you looking for a job?
A: “Cigarettes are getting more expensive, so I need another job.”

Q: What are your assets? (as in strengths)
A: “Well, I do own a bike.”

Q: When have you demonstrated leadership skills?
A: “My best example would be online video gaming. I pretty much run the show; it takes a lot of leadership to do that.”

Q: Tell of a time you made a mistake and how you dealt with it
A: “I stole some equipment from my old job, and I had to pay for its replacement.”

Q: What are your weaknesses?
A: “I get angry easily and I went to jail for domestic violence. But I won’t get mad while I am working for you.”

Q: Use three adjectives to describe yourself?
A: “I hate questions like that!”

Q: Why did you leave your last job?
A: “I have a problem with authority.”

Q: What is your most pressing question for me?
A: “If I get an offer, how long do I have before I have to take the drug test?”

Q: Have you submitted your two weeks’ notice to your current employer?
A: “What is two weeks’ notice? I’ve never quit a job before, I’ve always been fired.”

And there you have it, “not-so-smart” answers from people looking for a job… that is the Bottom of the News on this Friday, August 21, 2009! ###

Bottom of the News… Friday, August 14, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Well, my trip down under to Australia was awesome! Great conference, great learnings, lots of food and very cool sight seeing throughout the Sydney area. My favorites were the two tours of the Sydney Harbour, including the great Opera House, one tour by boat at night and the other in a small private airplane. And since I’m a big photo bug, check out my Facebook page where I have tons of cools shots.

Okay, on to the news. Every morning during my trip to the corner Starbucks I would keep my eyes and ears open to “unique” Aussie news, so here’s my report from down under…

SYDNEY, Aus - I learned about an ongoing scam that continues to baffle Australia Police because they cannot recommend a prosecution. Here’s how the scam works… A company takes out a newspaper ad selling cheap imported hard core porno videos. People send in orders and pay by check.

After several weeks, the company writes back to the buyers explaining that under the present
Australian law they cannot supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of their company check. Most people however, do not take those checks to their bank due to the company name… “The Sex and Fetish Perversion Company." Hmmmm, is that the perfect scam???

PERTH, Aus – A lady in Perth sued the state lottery for mental distress. Helen de Cier said she suffered mental distress when her neighbors won the lottery and she did not. Prize winners are chosen by postal code and de Gier would have shared in the $22.2 million if she had bought a $13 dollar-50 ticket (as the Aussies say it) along with her seven neighbors on her block.

de Grier accused the organizers of "emotional blackmail" and demanded compensation, but the court said she LOST and the judgment said that lottery organizers could not be held responsible for those who fail to buy a bloody ticket and then later regret it.

BRISBANE, Aus - Australian doctors plugged a poisoned Italian tourist into a vodka drip after their medicinal alcohol ran out (Hmmm, sounds like health care rationing???). Doctors contend they needed to take such a drastic measure to save his life.

Why? Well, for some unknown reason, the 24-year-old Italian patient had ingested a huge quantity of antifreeze, but when such things happen (I wonder how frequent this might be???), pure alcohol is given to inhibit the toxic effects of the antifreeze ingredients.

Apparently, supply delivery is slow in Australia because the patient was on the straight vodka drip at a rate of three standard drinks per hour AND this occurred continuously for 72 hours in the intensive care unit. The patient made a successful recovery and was quoted as saying he was very pleased with the treatment and care he had received in the Australian hospital. I bet, but I wonder if they charged him by the drink?

Well, no worries mates, that is the Bottom of the News on this Friday, August 14, 2009! ###

Bottom of the News… Friday, July 24, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Well, since I will be traveling the next two weeks for an international conference in Australia, I thought that some travel news might be in order. These are REAL stories told by travel agents...

 How about the passenger who asked for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

 A man called, furious about his Orlando, FL package. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. The agent explained that an ocean view room was impossible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
The man replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

 A woman called her travel agent and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." When asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yea, whatever."

 A man was asking the check-in desk how he would know which plane to get on?" When asked to explain he said… "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

 A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" When asked why she questioned this, she replied, "Well, when I checked in they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT on it. I admit I’m a bit overweight, so I am wondering the connection?" The agent had to put the woman on hold for a minute, telling her, “I will look into it." Actually, the agent was laughing hysterically! When she got her wits together she came back to the caller and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage and NOT her description.

Oh, the joys of traveling! I will see that first hand again as I start my journey next Thursday to Sydney, Aus. There are more than a dozen Rotary clubs in the metro are and my hope is to visit one or two. The news will continue with Brother Steve Carpenter filling in next week and I will see you in 3 weeks. That’s the bottom of the news for July 24, 2009! ###

Bottom of the News… Friday, July 17, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Well, my news this morning has come from much research regarding two of our presidents, John F Kennedy and Abraham Lincoln. Here is my report on a few interesting facts about these men…

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives lost children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Okay listen carefully… Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names; both names totaled 15 letters.

And there is more… Lincoln was shot in the Ford Theater; Kennedy was shot in a Ford car, a Lincoln.

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse. Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were both assassinated before their trials.

And finally... A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland; a week before Kennedy was shot, he was reportedly with Marilyn Monroe.

Okay, is that wild or what??? A “history mystery” is our Bottom of the News on this Friday, July 17, 2009! ###

Bottom of the News… Friday, July 10, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Today I want to remind everyone why we love children. Quite honestly they have very interesting opinions and sometimes we just need to think about the perspective from which they see the world…

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

MORE NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

Kids, you gotta love em! And that is the Bottom of the News on this Friday, July 10, 2009! ###

Bottom of the News… Friday, June 12, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Today we have a story about a Spanish teacher. She was explaining that in Spanish, unlike in English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. “House” for instance, is feminine: “la casa.” “Pencil” however, is masculine: “el lapiz.”

A student asked, “What gender is computer?”

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, men and women, and asked them to decide for themselves whether “computer” should be a masculine or feminine noun. Each group was asked to give three reasons for their recommendations.

The men’s group decided that computer should definitely be feminine “la computadora” because…

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it, and
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.

The woman’s group however, concluded that “computer” should be masculine “el computador” because…

1. They are supposed to help you SOLVE problems, but half the time they ARE the problem;
2. In order to do anything with them, you have to first turn them on and,
3. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you would have waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model!

So, who do you think won? Men? Women? Dumb question… the women of course! And that is the Bottom of the News on this Friday, June 12, 2009!

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Bottom of the News… Friday, June 5, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Today a breaking news story regarding a bill that was quietly passed in congress back in March. This bill became public yesterday and is called the… “Americans with No Abilities Act,” or AWNAA.

On March 20th congress secretly passed sweeping legislation to provide immediate benefits for Americans and is being hailed as a major legislative initiative for the millions who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not have the drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said a top California senator. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be passed over and employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to workers who really know what they are doing."

This bill makes it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning discriminatory interview questions, such as, "Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?"

Mary Lou Gertzin, a non-abled person said “I can't be expected to keep up with people who have abilites." Mary Lou lost her position as a lug-nut twister at a Flint GM plant due to her inability to remember rightey tightey, lefty loosey. With this law Mary Lou is now guaranteed a career position for life within the automotive industry.

A high ranking congressman from Nevada announced “I am proud to be a senator with no abilities and every American with no abilities should enjoy the same privileges I enjoy. Even inept Americans are entitled to good pay even though some may believe they are good for nothing.”

At a Capitol Hill press conference congress honored government agencies and private industries that have provided opportunity without regard to performance. The US Postal Service and state Motor Vehicle Departments were cited as role models with both agencies immediately meeting all compliance standards. Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the inept include clothing retailers, the airline industry and home improvement stores.

This legislation also provides substantial tax credits for businesses who agree to hire one oblivious worker for every two that have true talent.

And finally, mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable people. More than 25 million mid-level positions will be created under this bill, with important-sounding titles, but little real responsibility. This will fulfill the mission of bill, which is to provide an illusory sense of purpose and performance for millions of incompetent Americans!

So, there you have it, the Americans with No Abilities Act. Our government at it’s finest! This is truly the very Bottom of the News on this Friday, June 5, 2009!

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Bottom of the News… Friday, May 15th, 2009

Good morning Rotary! It is a beautiful very special day! Your Rotary Reporter has secured never-before-released consumer reports regarding unnamed individuals who fall under the “not so smart” department…

From Sacramento, CA… We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower. I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two...' We haven't used Sears repair since.

From Atlanta, GA… My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'You gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

In rural Missouri… We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. When asked about her reason for the request, she said, “Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.”

From a Ford dealership in Canton, MS... When I left Hawaii and was transferred to Florida, I still had the Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii. I was parking somewhere (I can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you drove from Hawaii to here?" I looked at him and quickly said "Yep. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge". He nodded his head and said "Cool!"

From Kansas City… I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' The baggage clerk smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

In Birmingham , AL… The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it is a signal for blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

At a Chevy dealership in Tennessee… When my husband and I arrived at the dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'Its open!' His reply, 'I know, I already got that side.'

here you have ‘em, real and unedited and “not so smart…” our Bottom of the News on this Friday, May 22, 2009!

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Bottom of the News… Friday, May 8th, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Today I thought I’d share with you some little known laws that are still on the books around our country from years gone by…

• In Minnesota, it is illegal to cross state lines with duck on your head.
• In Pennsylvania, it is illegal for a man to purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.
• In Alaska, it is illegal to look at a moose from the window of an aircraft.
• In Idaho, a citizen is forbidden to give another citizen a box of candy that weights more than 50 lbs.
• By law, everybody in Vermont must take at least one bath a week.
• In Kentucky it is illegal to carry an ice-cream cone in your pocket.
• In Washington state, all lollipops are banned.
• An unmarried woman may not parachute on Sunday in Florida.
• In Atlanta Georgia, it is forbidden to dress a mannequin without first pulling down the window blinds.
• In Milwaukee, residents must keep pet elephants on a leash while walking them on public streets.
• In Muncie, Indiana, it is illegal to carry fishing tackle in a cemetery.
• In Massachusetts, mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
• In Chico, California you can be fined up $500 for detonating a nuclear device within the city limits!
• It is illegal to gargle in public in Louisiana.
• In Nebraska, a parent can be arrested if their child burps during church.
• In Alabama it is illegal to wear a false moustache which causes laughter in church.
• In Kansas, it is against the law to catch fish with your bare hands.
• And finally… In Iowa, it is illegal for a kiss to last more than five minutes. Hmmm…

There they are, little known laws around our country so careful out there! (especially that kissing thing…) and that is the Bottom of the News this Friday, May 8, 2009! ###

Bottom of the News… Friday, April 24th, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Today I thought I’d share with you some little known facts that maybe you can use to show how “smart” you are at the office or for your enjoyment….

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb".

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury, until just two months ago when our government decided we needed the money as a stimulus!

Coca-Cola was originally green.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% (thank you Alaska!)

Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only… Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:61,000Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Little known facts for our or maybe “useless” information for our Bottom of the News this Friday, April 24th 2009! ###

Bottom of the News… Friday, March 27, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Today, it is Duck Facts time because after Jim Angstman threw out the challenge for all of us to go duck hunting I thought if we all are going to have a bunch of those little critters hanging around we’d all better know more about them. So, here you go…

Ducks were once wild until they were domesticated by the Chinese in the 1500’s; but be careful with yours because some may still have a free spirit!

Ducks' feathers are waterproof. There is a special gland that produces oil near the tail that spreads and covers the outer coat of feathers. Beneath this waterproof layer are fluffy and soft feathers to keep the duck warm.

All of the Peking ducks in the United States are descendents from three ducks and one drake imported to Long Island, New York in 1873.

Ducks' feet have no nerves or blood vessels. This means ducks never feel the cold, even if they swim in icy cold water. So, you don’t have to worry about little duck socks or insulated web covers.

A duck has three eyelids. They like to wink a lot.

Ducks can live from 2-12 years, depending on the species; so if you get attached to any of yours there’s a good chance you can reconnect at next year’s race!

A duck's quack has no echo. Even in a big culvert?

A male duck is called a drake, a female is called a duck. Babies are called ducklings. So is it duck duck or just duck? I am confused. What about that game duck duck goose goose? I wonder what that means???

A duck waddles instead of walking because of their webbed feet. And those webs act like big paddles when they swim. So, the winners should be wearing a size 18!!!

Little known facts for our or maybe “useless” information for our Bottom of the News, but hey, we are having a Quacking good time this Friday, March 27, 2009!

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Bottom of the News… Friday, April 3, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. You can always find the top of the news just about anywhere, but today we have some REAL bottom of the news stories…

Cereal Boxes and Phone Sex
HALFWAY, Md. – An Oregon company has ordered new packaging for its Peace Cereal after a typo on the box sent callers to a phone sex line instead of the cereal maker's 800 number.

Instead of reaching their corp headquarters, callers were greeted by a recorded voice asking, "Do you love sex? ... Isn't that why you called?" Spokeswoman Elissa Brown said the cereal company immediately ordered new packaging when the mistake was discovered in December and new boxes started shipping out in early March. (I can’t believe it took so long…)

However, as of last week, 13 varieties of the cereal were still on shelves at one Halfway, Md., grocery store, including seven varieties bearing the incorrect telephone number. And local store officials noted that the cereal was becoming very popular with teenage boys!

Salem Woman Accused of Driving 103 MPH!
SALEM, Ore. – A woman was accused of driving 103 mph with her 10-year-old grandson last week while on leave from her job.

The 53-year-old driver was arrested Sunday on charges of reckless driving and reckless endangerment of a minor. Police said she told them she was teaching her grandson about the dangers of speeding, telling him not to drive as she was about to.

The woman was placed on leave March 16 from her job, but the agency she worked for would not give reason for her leave or how her charges and arrest would affect her future employment.

As it turns out, the woman has been a trainer since 1988 for the Oregon Driver and Motor Vehicle Safety Services division.

Gulp! Laughing Man Swallows Scissors
(April 1, 2009) China -- After eating a meal, a Chinese man was using a four-inch pair of nail scissors to clean his teeth when one of his friends cracked an April Fool’s joke. While breaking out in hysterical laughter, the man inhaled the scissors and they slid down his throat.

London's Daily Mail reports that Kong Lin, 27, tried to cough up the scissors, but the points got stuck in his epiglottis. Ouch!

Lin was rushed to a hospital where surgeons extracted the scissors in about 30 minutes. The docs couldn't use anything stronger than a local anesthetic because knocking him out completely would have relaxed his throat, allowing the scissors to move deeper. Wow, talk about a badly timed joke.

'Bailout' hits Domino's for FREE Pizzas
CINCINNATI – Domino's Pizza earlier this week gave away thousands of free pizzas by mistake. It was caused by a never-used promotion that a website customer stumbled upon.

Tim McIntyre, spokesman for Ann Arbor, Mich.-based Domino's, said Wednesday that the company had prepared an Internet coupon for an ad campaign that was considered in December but never activated.

McIntyre said somebody discovered that the code word "bailout" was good for a free medium pizza ordered online. That information quickly spread Monday night on the internet, until the code was finally deactivated early Tuesday morning.

Domino's in Cincinnati gave away more than 600 free pizzas from 14 stores in just three hours that night. Domino's corporate officials promised to reimburse all of their franchise owners for the pizzas they gave away… system wide Dominos gave away over 11,000 ”bailout” pizzas in just under 8 hours.

And there you have it… fact is more fun than fiction, our Bottom of the News this Friday, April 3rd, 2009! ###

Bottom of the News… Friday, March 27, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Today, it is Duck Facts time because after Jim Angstman threw out the challenge for all of us to go duck hunting I thought if we all are going to have a bunch of those little critters hanging around we’d all better know more about them. So, here you go…

Ducks were once wild until they were domesticated by the Chinese in the 1500’s; but be careful with yours because some may still have a free spirit!

Ducks' feathers are waterproof. There is a special gland that produces oil near the tail that spreads and covers the outer coat of feathers. Beneath this waterproof layer are fluffy and soft feathers to keep the duck warm.

All of the Peking ducks in the United States are descendents from three ducks and one drake imported to Long Island, New York in 1873.

Ducks' feet have no nerves or blood vessels. This means ducks never feel the cold, even if they swim in icy cold water. So, you don’t have to worry about little duck socks or insulated web covers.

A duck has three eyelids. They like to wink a lot.

Ducks can live from 2-12 years, depending on the species; so if you get attached to any of yours there’s a good chance you can reconnect at next year’s race!

A duck's quack has no echo. Even in a big culvert?

A male duck is called a drake, a female is called a duck. Babies are called ducklings. So is it duck duck or just duck? I am confused. What about that game duck duck goose goose? I wonder what that means???

A duck waddles instead of walking because of their webbed feet. And those webs act like big paddles when they swim. So, the winners should be wearing a size 18!!!

Little known facts for our or maybe “useless” information for our Bottom of the News, but hey, we are having a Quacking good time this Friday, March 27, 2009!
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Bottom of the News… Friday, March 20, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Today I thought you all should know that because of our current economic environment that we have several new “Stock Market” terms that you all should be aware of and here they are…

CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just down-graded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

And there you have it… new financial terms definitions! And this is our latest Bottom of the News for Friday, March 20, 2009! ###

Bottom of the News… “Tribute to Paul Harvey” Friday, March 13, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians! February 28th was a sad day for many American radio broadcasters, who lost Paul Harvey at the age of 90. Paul Harvey Aurandt, worked for ABC Radio with daily broadcasts of his News and Comment and his more famous The Rest of the Story segments. He was on the air by the age of 14 and he built his audience to over 22 million weekly listeners on 1200 radio stations. He was the king of radio long before Rush. He would open his broadcasts with…

"Hello Americans, I'm Paul Harvey. You know what the news is, in a minute, you're going to hear ... the rest of the story." I thought a fitting tribute would be to share a letter to his grandkids that he wrote a few years back…

“…We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. For my grandchildren, I'd like better. I'd really like YOU to know about hand me down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches. I really would.

I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated. I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car. And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you turn sixteen.

It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep. I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in.

I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother/sister. And it's all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room, but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I hope you let him.

When you want to see a movie and your little brother/sister wants to tag along, I hope you'll let them. I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely.

On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with someone as un-cool as your Mom.

I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and to read books. When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head.

I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a boy\girl. Or that when you talk back to your mother you learn what ivory soap tastes like.

May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.

I don't care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it. And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not really your friend.

I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandma/Grandpa and go fishing with your Uncle. I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbor's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand.

These things I wish for you - tough times and disappointment, hard work and yes, happiness. To me, it's the only way to appreciate life.

Written with a pen. Sealed with a kiss. I'm here for you. And if I die before you do, I'll go to heaven and wait for you. Send this to all of your friends. And remember, we secure our friends, not by accepting favors, but by doing them.”

As a long ago radio guy, I admired Paul Harvey. He was a man who represented traditional values and common sense. This is my tribute to him on this Friday, March13, 2009… “Good day!”
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Bottom of the News… Friday, February 20, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Well today we have some real news from the past couple of weeks. Our first story is from…

Syke, Germany: Where a fire station was destroyed – it burnt to the ground, along with all six of its fire engines worth $3.4 million. Investigators are unsure whether faulty wiring is the culprit, or if the firefighters themselves are to blame by leaving food cooking on the stove. The station was empty when the fire broke out because the firemen were away for the day at a training exercise. The station was only 15 years old; it had replaced the previous building, which was also lost to a fire. Investigators did discover two things that were missing in the building… It did NOT have fire sprinklers or smoke alarms!

Santa Rosa, CA: After a long heated debate with his wife, Arloween, about not liking the cold weather in northern California, Ed Barney, age74, decided he would run away from home heading to Arizona. He left town by walking on the southbound railroad tracks, and didn't bother to take any money or even a cell phone. After three days his wife finally figured out that maybe Ed wasn’t coming back so she filed a report with the police and they were able to track him down thru his ATM withdrawals. Ed was found in Eugene, OR, several hundred miles north of his home town. Police didn't detain him, because he had done no wrong, but they did report back to his wife that he had purchased a bus ticket to Utah, where he was going to visit his children. Of course Arloween never thought that Ed was serious in all of this, so as the local reporter described her, she was CLUELESS. She should have known that Ed, apparently a typical guy when it comes to asking for directions. He was not ask, especially his wife. And their local paper best described the somewhat happy ending for this couple by saying… “CLUELESS and AIMLESS are Reluctantly Reunited!”

Moenchengladbach, Germany: An unidentified 39-year-old man lost his keys and he was pretty sure he had accidentally tossed them into a public trash bin with some papers. Unfortunately, the top of the bin had a narrow opening and was welded so it could not be removed easily. The man however was able to fit his head and an arm into the opening, but he got stuck. Someone walking by saw him and called the fire department for help. Firefighters could not remove him from the opening, but they were able to widen the hole and then shoved him the rest of the way into the trash bin. From there they proceeded to cut off the top of the bin with a torch, which took another 30 minutes before they could rescue the man from the bin. A dirty, but smiling face emerged, happy that he had finally found his keys... in his pocket!

And that is the Bottom of the News for Friday, February 20th, 2009!
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Bottom of the News… Friday, February 13, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Okay, today is Friday the 13th AND Valentine’s Eve. Sounds like the makings of a movie… imagine Love Story’s Ryan O’Neal with Freddie Kruger… “Love means never having to say I’m sorry I killed you!”

My how I digress… Last week I did my very best to help you guys out with tips on gifts for your girl, so in the spirit of “equal time” today I have suggestions for the ladies. Okay on that special night, you will want to have the right mood music and to help you I went back to the best decade for LOVE music, the 70’s. Here are CASEY KASEM’S TOP 10 “Love Songs” OF THE 70's...

10. I THINK I LOVE YOU - PARTRIDGE FAMILY
9. I HONESTLY LOVE YOU - OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN
8. LOVE WILL KEEP US TOGETHER - THE CAPTAIN & TENNILLE
7. AIN'T NO MOUNTAIN HIGH ENOUGH - DIANA ROSS
6. MY LOVE - PAUL McCARTNEY & WINGS
5. BEST OF MY LOVE - THE EMOTIONS
4. SILLY LOVE SONGS - PAUL McCARTNEY & WINGS
3. HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE - BEE GEES
2. THE FIRST TIME EVER I SAW YOUR FACE - ROBERTA FLACK
1. YOU LIGHT UP MY LIFE - DEBBIE BOONE

And then after that special dinner when you have made you guy suffer from all of that mushy music, you can make up for it ladies by offering to watch a “guy movie” with him. Yep, it will now be your turn to suck it up and enjoy one of these all time favorites… here are the top ten guy flicks…

10. Casino Royale (or any other James Bond movie for that matter)
9. Terminator
8. Die hard
7. Top Gun
6. The Matrix
5. Back to the Future
4. The Last Boy Scout
3. Dirty Harry
2. Rocky
1. The Godfather

Hey, this will make your evening so special! And guys, remember… don’t forget! That is our Bottom of the News for Friday the 13th, 2009!
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Bottom of the News… Friday, February 6, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Well, the one holiday that made the “Love Doctor” famous is right around the corner. This lovers' holiday originated in 5th Century Rome as a tribute to St. Valentine, a Catholic bishop who lived in the 2nd century AD.

It started with Valentine’s imprisonment for secretly marrying couples during a time when Roman soldiers were not allowed to marry. While in prison he fell in love with the blind daughter of his jailer. His love for her, and his great faith in God, managed to miraculously heal her from her blindness before his death. Before being stoned he signed a farewell message to her, "From your Valentine." The phrase has been used on his day ever since.

300 years after his death, the Catholic Church wanted to replace the pagan god of love, Lupercus. Valentine was their man and the mid-February holiday became a tradition for the men to give the ladies they admired handwritten messages of affection, containing Valentine's name. And thus, the origin of St. Valentine’s Day.

So, GUYS to help you out this year I found the “Clueless Guys Guide to Having a Romantic Valentine’s Day.” It starts with a few ideas that are good things to DO…

1. Do… Make a homemade Valentine. Re-introduce yourself to scissors, red construction paper, white paper doilies and glue and then add your own little verse. This is could be romantic and very special! Of course you are going to have to also brush up on your poetry work.

2. Do… Cook for her. This would show you care, right? Could be breakfast in bed, dinner, etc. Okay, maybe you are thinking you really cannot cook? Okay, never mind… this might be a bad idea for some of you.

3. Do… Write her a love letter. No, not an email, a text message or a card; a real love letter.
No, don’t type it, handwrite it. And say something nice like why you’d pick her all over again or why you are thrilled that she is your kids' mom. Hey, this could be a lifetime cherished keeper! (I’m tearing up…!!!)

4. Do… Watch a chick flick. Just suck it up and do the romantic movie with her. Try… The Lake House, While You Were Sleeping, You've Got Mail or Sleepless in Seattle.

Okay, how about some Don'ts…
1. Don't forget. Forgetting is really dumb. Put on your calendar in big red letters, PDA, sticky notes everywhere, just don’t forget.

2. Don't do the same thing you did last year. If it worked well the first time, it won’t the second time! That only works on guys! Remember, she needs to know that you put some “thought” into her special gift!

3. Don't talk about your ex-wife! This will guarantee a night to forget. Need I say more? Don't do it man!

4. And… the #1 biggest Don't… Don’t give her lingerie. Lingerie is dangerous. Guys, two things can get you in big trouble… the wrong color AND the wrong size, that could be a big problem, either way you go. Can’t win and it’s way too non-subtle! Trust me, I have this from a very reliable source (my wife). Don’t go there. Lingerie can be a killer!

Okay guys does this help? Anyone want my notes? Hey, don’t forget to make it special! We all owe a big thank you to St Val for giving us the Love Month… and that is the Bottom of the News for Friday, February 6th, 2009!
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Bottom of the News… Friday, January 9, 2008

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Well, Happy New Year is in order! As we begin a New Year a very popular tradition for many is to make New Years resolutions. But I thought it would be fun to look at some New Year's Resolutions from some pre-schoolers…

New Year's Resolution from your Kids

1. Little girls…I will stop being so picky about my clothes and agree to wear something other
than pink
2. I will let my mommy brush my hair without screaming
3. I will try new foods and try to eat vegetables without gagging.
4. I will take an interest in potty-training.
5. I will try on a different voice, other than the WHINE voice.
6. I will try to stop pulling on mom's pants constantly
7. I will go to the bathroom before a little bit leaks out in my underwear.

1. Little boys…I will enjoy my food at meals instead of eating like I've been starved for several days.
2. I will go to the bathroom less than 5 seconds before it's too late
3. I will put my toys away with as much enthusiasm as I had destroying my room.
4. I will learn some English so I can communicate a few things instead of screaming.
5. I will stop thinking that pooping in the toilet will kill me.
6. I will stop telling everyone we meet that my younger sister still has to wear a pull up at bed time.

There you have em… Do you think any of these have a chance of really happening? Happy New Year from our Bottom of the News for Friday, January 9, 2008! ###

Bottom of the News… Friday, December 5, 2008

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Well, as we head into December, it is that time of the year that many companies start planning, budgeting and, in some cases, make some adjustments and cutbacks before starting a new year. And one BIG area that every business looks at carefully because of continuing rising costs is health care.

So, as a guideline to give you a heads up, (with my thanks to Brother Carpenter) we thought you all would benefit knowing the… Top Ten Indicators That Your Employer Has Changed to a Cheaper Health Care Plan… Listen up (PG-13)…

(10) Ladies, your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7) Guys, when you ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and ducttape! (Ouch!)

(6) The only proctologist in your plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

(4) This line… "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.

(3) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

(2) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "an apple a day."

And the #1 sign that your company has joined a very cheap health care plan is…

(1) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."

Okay, now you know what to look out for when you read through that fine print… And that’s our Bottom of the News Friday, December 5, 2008! ###

Bottom of the News… Friday, November 21, 2008

Good morning. Well thankfully we are out of election season and into one of my very favorite holiday times of the year… Thanksgiving! It is awesome to have a time to celebrate gratitude and thankfulness. And I thought I would share my thoughts on the Top 10 Reasons Thanksgiving rocks! Here we go…


Top Ten reasons why Thanksgiving ROCKS!

10. The newspaper if chock full of great ads, just like on Sundays. Mind you I won’t go shopping on Friday, but I like to look.

9. Macy’s Parade - my family always watched this when I was growing up. I love the floats and balloons.

8. Westminster Dog Show - 2 years ago, it was only my parents and I at Thanksgiving, and my dad and I watched the dog show - it was hilarious (sorry dog lovers). We couldn't stop laughing at the fussy dogs.

7. Stuffing – some can’t stand it, others I love stuffing and could eat it all day!

6. Santa starts his appearances for the season. I love seeing kids so excited to see Santa.

5. Christmas decorations and lights officially can go up!

4. Being able to relax and enjoy the day.

3. Taking a nap after eating too much turkey.

2. Watching Thanksgiving football games.

1. Leftovers.


Do you remember learning about the Pilgrims and Thanksgiving in elementary school? Did you ever color one of those big turkeys? We all have fond memories of Thanksgiving reunions. But as a society we seem to have lost a sense of what Thanksgiving means.

Most of us, for example, do not participate in a harvest. Thanksgiving Day itself is sandwiched tightly between an ever-expanding Christmas shopping season and the growing marketing blitz that surrounds Halloween. Also, sporting events also tend to distract us on Thanksgiving.

Perhaps Thanksgiving may be the only holiday we have that is shrinking in appeal.

Ironically, with the exception of the Fourth of July, Thanksgiving is the most peculiarly American holiday that we recognizes. The celebration of it fits perfectly into the story of American history. To be thankful to God for the abundance of this great land was a natural duty for our forefathers. The ensuing institutionalization of it made perfect sense. Let’s also keep in history that has surrounded this most appropriate holiday.


Have a great Thanksgiving!

And there you have it, a “thankful” look at the Bottom of the News for this Friday, November 21, 2008!

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Bottom of the News… Friday, November 14, 2008

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Well the longest election in history is finally over! Is that something to be thankful for or not?! Amen! In case you missed the late night talk show following the election, here is a sampling… (thanks to Steve Carpenter)

Late Show with David Letterman
-Attention passengers: The Straight Talk Express is no longer in service.
-I went to bed early ― how did Ralph Nader do?

Late Night with Conan O'Brien
-All of the major networks declared Barack Obama the winner at 11 o’clock last night ― except for MSNBC, which declared Obama the winner six months ago.
-Last night, history was made. That’s right, John McCain stayed up past 11 p.m.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
-It’s a great day for America. I TiVoed the election so don’t tell me who won . . .
-People all over the world are celebrating Obama’s victory. Sarah Palin watched the Russians celebrating from her house.
-It going to be terrible for late-night talk-show hosts. Obama doesn’t make that many mistakes. How can I do my job? My only hope is Joe Biden!

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
-If not for the first ever African-American president, be happy for the first vice president with hair plugs.
-President Bush called Barack Obama to congratulate him. He said, “What an awesome night for you and your family.” I think his eloquence is what we’ll remember most about President Bush.

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
-This is our first black president since the first season of “24.”
-And finally… After sleeping on his win and getting a closer look at the mess he will inherit, it was rumored that Obama was considering asking for a recount!

And there you have it, a post-election look at the Bottom of the News for this Friday, November 14, 2008!

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Bottom of the News… Friday, October 31, 2008

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. With today being Halloween it seems that this entire week is a time when stranger than normal people appear kind of like when a full moon happens. So to honor this bizarre holiday that celebrates the dead I start with a story from …

Corpse on Train

Germany: Where train commuters report finding a dead person on their train ride tow work last week. As it later turned out, the man was not dead, but rather was passed out cold in a drunken sleep, according to police. The man was in costume to be a zombe and fell asleep on his way home from an all night Halloween party.

Bomb Scare

Norway: A Halloween prop sparked panic on a college campus in Bergen, Norway last week. A suspicious package was found on a car parked outside a student dormitory and was immediately reported to police, which resulted in the evacuation of the dormitory and the surrounding area on campus.

According to police the owner of the package “did not intend for it to create a big bomb scare.” Eventually it was discovered that a student had left the ‘prop’ sitting on the trunk of his car when parking to attend a Halloween party. His prop was a fake bomb that looked very real with wires sticking out of it and making a ticking noise. And the student’s costume for the party… he was dressed up as a suicide bomber.

Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating

10. You get winded walking from door to door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and you can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
2. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
1. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

And there you have it, the Hallow’s Eve version of the Bottom of the News for this Friday, October 31st 2008!
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Bottom of the News… Friday, October 24, 2008

Good morning my fellow Rotarians, well today I thought I would share some news about beer and the credit crisis. Our first story comes from…

Rubber Sidewalks


Ames, IA: There are no loading docks for the bars in the Campustown section of Ames so the beer distributors drop off kegs of beer next to the fire station. But there were so many kegs hitting the sidewalk that they would crack and quickly start falling apart. To address the issue, the city has installed a rubber sidewalk. According to the campus newspaper, the other handy benefit of this rubber sidewalk is that is has reduced injuries to the falling-down drunks as well.

The Credit Crunch… Okay, top of Mind Topic!

The Bank returned a check to me yesterday marked "Insufficient Funds". And I had to ask, is it them or me?Overheard in a bar; "This Credit Crunch is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife!"


Q: What's the difference between an Investment Banker and a pigeon? The pigeon is still capable of leaving a deposit on a Ferrari.

The Credit Crunch has helped Dick Fuld get back on his feet. His car was repossessed!

Investment Tips

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines stock one year ago, today you would have $49. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG stock one year ago, today you would have $33.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers stock one year ago, today you would have zero dollars!

But, consider this investment… If you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer and then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling today you would have $214. Based on this approach, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

And there you have it the Bottom of the News for this Friday, October 24th, 2008! ###

Bottom of the News… Friday, October 24, 2008

Good morning my fellow Rotarians, well today I thought I would share some news about BEER and the credit crisis. Our first story comes from…

Rubber Sidewalks

Ames, IA: There are no loading docks for the bars in the Campustown section of Ames so the beer distributors drop off kegs of beer next to the fire station. But there were so many kegs hitting the sidewalk that they would crack and quickly start falling apart. To address the issue, the city has installed a rubber sidewalk. According to the campus newspaper, the other handy benefit of this rubber sidewalk is that is has reduced injuries to the falling-down drunks as well.

The Credit Crunch… Okay, top of Mind Topic!

The Bank returned a check to me yesterday marked "Insufficient Funds". And I had to ask, is it them or me?Overheard in a bar; "This Credit Crunch is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife!"

Q: What's the difference between an Investment Banker and a pigeon? The pigeon is still capable of leaving a deposit on a Ferrari.

The Credit Crunch has helped Dick Fuld get back on his feet. His car was repossessed!

Investment Tips

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines stock one year ago, today you would have $49. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG stock one year ago, today you would have $33.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers stock one year ago, today you would have zero dollars!

But, consider this investment… If you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer and then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling today you would have $214. Based on this approach, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

And there you have it the Bottom of the News for this Friday, October 24th, 2008! ###

Bottom of the News… Friday, October 10, 2008

Good morning my fellow Rotarian, well Fall is in the air and it seems there are many interesting characters in our world. Our first story comes from…

This Smells Odd

Seattle, WA – When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very ill man curled up on the ground next to the motor home.

Police quickly determined that while trying to siphon gasoline the man actually plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.

The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Spelling Errors and Wrong Notes

San Francisco, CA – A man walked into the downtown Bank of America and on the back of a deposit slip wrote, "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, the man began to worry that someone may have seen him write the note andmight call the police before he could reach the teller.

So, the criminal left the Bank of America and walked across to the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting in line for several minutes there, he handed his note to a teller. After reading it, the teller determined that this robber was perhaps a few bricks short of a load.She told him that because his note was written on a Bank of America deposit slip, she could not honor his demand. He would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo withdrawal slip or go back to the Bank of America.

Feeling defeated, the man said he understood and left. The Wells Fargo teller promptly called the police, who arrested the man a few minutes later--still waiting in line at the Bank of America.

A Little Gas

Holland – A Dutch veterinarian was fined 600 guilders (or about $240) for causing a fire that destroyed a farm in Lichten Vourde, the Netherlands.

The vet had been trying to convince a farmer that his cow was passing flatulent gas. To demonstrate, the vet ignited the gas, but the cow became a "four-legged flame-thrower" and ran wild, setting fire to bales of hay and several buildings.

Damage to the farm was assessed at $80,000. The cow was unharmed.

And there you have it the Bottom of the News for this Friday, October 10, 2008!

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Bottom of the News… Friday, August 1, 2008

Good morning my fellow Rotarians… Happy August 1st! As we head into the heat of summer, strange things continue to make our world go round. Our first story is from…

The Lemonade Thief
TERRE HAUTE, Ind. - A young girl, Dominique Morefield, had her lemonade stand robbed of $17.50 this past week. The girl chased the suspect into a nearby home and then called police who then spent nearly an hour trying to coax the man into surrendering.

“The guy came up and was, like, ‘Give me your money,’” said Dominique, the 12-year old lemonade stand owner. “I was shocked, but I my immediate reaction to chase after him.”

When police finally arrested the man, he was charged with a preliminary felony charge of robbery.

“I didn't think anyone would steal from a bunch of kids,” said another12-year-old, “That’s just down right stupid!” Dominique’s parents agreed they would only let her continue her lemonade sales with adult supervision.

Buy a Sick Note in Australia
CANBERRA, Australia - Australian medical authorities are warning employees against using an online company that sells fake doctors' sick notes that allows people to take more time off.

The notes, available from www.doctorsnotestore.com, cost about $38 each and exploit the Australians' fondness for taking days off while supposedly ill. Most companies require workers to provide a medical certificate when they call in sick.

The idea came from Britain, where the same company has been extremely successful in also providing notes to help Europeans cancel their health club contracts due to illness or pregnancy.

While the notes look "extremely authentic," the company said the notes are only meant to be a novelty item and not for illegal purposes. The company of course claims no responsibility for misuse of their products.

Sick day fraud costs the Australia's economy an estimated $10 billion a year in lost productivity, with workers averaging 10 sick days a year. Australia has one of the worst employee sick day records of all western countries.

Sleeping on the Job!
NASA is conducting studies where they have participants spend three consecutive months in bed. That’s right, NASA says the participants in its bed-rest study are providing valuable information for our space program.
NASA's Flight Analog Research Unit is looking for ways to minimize the debilitating impact of zero gravity in space, which can cause reduction in muscle mass and bone density.

One way to recreate those conditions on the ground is for test participants to lie down with head slightly tilted back for 90 days. "It's very relaxing at times.” Said participant Heather Archuletta. “This is probably the most I've sat still in 10 years!”

Hey, if you like to sleep while on the job, then you should apply. The pay is $10 per hour, or about $17,000 over the course of the study, which is carried out at the University of Texas. They are an equal opportunity employer and they provide health and educational benefits as well!

And there you have it, the Bottom of the News for the Friday, the 1st day of August, 2008!

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