“Only a Guy would do this!”  Friday, October 22, 2010

Good morning my fellow Rotarians.  I recently came across a letter to the editor from a popular women’s magazine about a guy who bought his wife a special anniversary present.  Here it is… 

Last weekend while visiting Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I saw a great gift idea for my wife Julie, for our 15th anniversary.  It was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse Tazer.  The pawn shop owner said Tazer effects are short lived, with no long term adverse affects on an assailant, allowing your wife adequate time to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL!  So, I bought it.

Once home I loaded the required two AAA batteries and pushed the button. Nothing happened.  That was disappointing, but when I pressed it against a metal surface, a blue arc of electricity darted between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie the burn spot on her microwave.  

Okay, I’m home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?  I sat in my recliner with my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) as I was thinking I really need to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if this thing is going to protect my wife against a mugger, I wanted assurance it would work. So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.   

The directions said a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.  Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

This device was only 5" long and pretty cute really, and I’m thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' I cannot explain what happened next. I'm sitting there with Gracie looking at me almost saying 'don't do it stupid,' and I’m reasoning in my mind that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. So, I decided to give myself a one second shot for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...  HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! 

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, my chest on fire and other parts missing for sure.  My left arm was tucked under my body in the oddest position, and I had massive tingling in my legs! 

Gracie was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.  If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:  There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by violent thrashing about on the floor! 

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

• My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
• The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally sat.
• My triceps, right thigh and chest were still twitching.
• My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
• I had no control over the drooling.
• Apparently I had wet my shorts (or more), but was too numb to know for sure.
• I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my burning hair.

My wife can't stop laughing to this day.  She loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!  If you think education is difficult, try being stupid! 

There you have it...  Only a guy would do this.  And that’s our bottom of news this Friday, October 22, 2010. 
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“Lord, forgive me when I Whine!"

Good morning my fellow Rotarians.  This past week Logan, my 17-year old came to me with a poem he found in Og Mandino’s book entitled “A Better Way to Live.”  Rule #7 is “no whining” and this poem makes the point.  

"Lord, forgive me when I whine!!!"
-Author Unknown 

Today, upon a bus, I saw a lovely girl with golden hair,
I envied her, she seemed so happy and I wished I were so fair.
When suddenly she rose to leave, I saw her hobble down the aisle.
She had one leg and wore a crutch; but as she passed she gave me a smile!

Oh God, forgive me when I whine,
I have two legs.  The world is mine!

I stopped to buy a snack and the boy who waited on me had such charm.
I talked with him, he seemed so glad.  And as I left, he said to me, "I thank you, you have been so kind.  It's nice to talk with folks like you.  You see, "he said, "I'm blind."

Oh God, forgive me when I whine.
I have two eyes.  The world is mine.

Later while walking through a park I saw a boy with blue eyes.
He stood and watched the others play.  I stopped and asked him,
"Why don't you play with those kids who are near?"
He looked ahead without a word, and then I knew he could not hear.

Oh God, forgive me when I whine.
I have two ears, the world is mine.

With feet to take me where I'd go, with eyes to see the sunset's glow,
with ears to hear what I would know...
Oh God forgive me when I whine.
I am blessed indeed.  The world is mine!

So, as you go about your day remember and share with your fellow workers, Rule #7…  No whining!  And have a attitude of gratitude!  And that is our bottom of news for this Friday, October 15, 2010.  

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Bottom of the News…  Friday, October 9, 2010

 

Good morning my fellow Rotarians.  I recently found a “best practices” report from the airline industry and Qantas Airlines has an interesting approach.  Before each flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet,” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems and document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. 

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas’ Pilots (marked with a P) and the Solutions Recorded (marked with an S) by their Maintenance Engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S:  Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Target radar hums.
S:  Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a dwarf pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from dwarf.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.  And that is our bottom of news for this Friday, October 9, 2010.   

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Bottom of the News… Friday, October 1, 2010

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Did you know that 120 years ago tomorrow the man who was one of the quickest wits in comedy was born October 2, 1890. Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx was born in Manhattan, NY. Groucho was in radio, TV and films; he made 13 films with brothers Harpo & Chico. Movies such as The Cocoanuts, Animal Crackers, Monkey Business, Horse Feathers, Duck Soup, and A Night at the Opera.

His most successful radio/TV shows were You Bet Your Life and Tell it to Groucho. His distinctive appearance, carried over from his days in vaudeville, included quirks such as an exaggerated stooped posture, glasses, cigars, and a thick greasepaint moustache and eyebrows. Groucho died August 1977 at the age of 87, but with little notice because it was only 3 days after Elvis died.

And I thought I’d share some of Groucho’s quotes…
• Although most know, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.
• Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
• Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
• He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot!
• You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.
• I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
• I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
• If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
• I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
• I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
• I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
• Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
• Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!
• Quote me as saying I was misquoted.

And there you have it, the man with the moustache, eyebrows and funny walk, Groucho Marx, in honor of his 120th birthday as the bottom of our news for this Friday, October 2, 2010.

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Bottom of the News… Friday, September 17, 2010

Adolescent Proverbs

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. This morning I’m happy to report that officially we have some new and “improved” Proverbs as reported by Miss Laura Smith, first grade teacher from Delaware. Miss Smith gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the rest. Here are a few samples…

Better to be safe than… punch a 5th grader.
Never underestimate the power of… termites.
A miss is as good as a… mister.
An idle mind is… the best way to relax.

Happy is the bride who… gets all the presents.
Two is company, three’s… the Musketeers.
None are so blind as… Helen Keller.
When the blind lead the blind… get out of the way!

Children should be seen and not… spanked or grounded.
If at first you don’t succeed… get new batteries.
Don’t bite the hand that… looks dirty.
The pen is mightier than… the pigs.

You can’t teach an old dog… math.
If you lie with dogs, you will… stink in the morning.
Strike while the… bug is close.
A penny saved… is not much.

And there you have ‘em, adolescent proverbs from a bunch of first graders as the bottom of our news for this Friday, September 17, 2010.
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Bottom of the News… Friday, August 27, 2010

My European Report

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Well, it seems I’ve been gone forever. I had the privilege to travel Europe for some vacation time with my family and then a conference in Barcelona. I thought I would use our news time to share just a few thoughts and experiences from my trip…

Two experiences at the Paris airport were a bit discomforting. First was security and customs. The sensitivity meter was set on super high and each of the four times I went thru, it set off alarms and caused more attention from the guards. Twice a full body search was not cool. They weren’t friendly, expected me to understand French and seemed down right irritated when they finally figured out that that my wedding ring was the culprit.

Second, were the armed military guys with dogs and AK-47’s paroling the terminals. We learned on the plane out of France that there had been a failed terrorist attack the week before, thus everything and everyone were on high alert. Two weeks later all seemed normal.

For Lonna, this trip was a long time coming and we planned ahead; Barcelona and France did not disappoint. We walked a lot and used the subway and buses more each day. Barcelona is a city of 6+ million people that never sleeps. Lonna’s favorite area was a former fishing village in France called Coloure, located on the Mediterranean in the Pyrenees Mountains. It had 500+ year old castles and a Notre Dame cathedral – I described them as very old! It also was home for many artists over the centuries; some dude named Picasso hung out there for 20-some years.

Logan, our 17-year old, was a joy to watch. He would use his “I’m an Americano” approach to meet lots of people, especially girls. He kept saying he couldn’t tell how old they were – right!

Did you know that Facebook is a universal language? Every time Logan met someone he would pull out his post-it pad and collect their name and FB ID and then each evening would connect again online. His goal was to get more international “friends” than anyone else at Kennedy and by the end of the week he had met people from a dozen different countries.

My favorite person was a nun from Australia. This 72 year-old was on a 2-month world trip she had won celebrating the 400th anniversary of her order. When we learned we were from the US she launched into how much she and her fellow sisters appreciate all the US does for them and the rest of the world. She said she gets so mad when people tear down the US. “They are ungrateful and quickly forget who always bails them out!” she said. And then, as we were leaving she got in my face and said, “Do me a favor when you get back to America. Kneel down, kiss the ground and thank God for living in a great country – please do that for me.” Wow, we all cried. We were speechless as we silently hugged and parted ways.

And finally, Logan also knew enough Spanish to get a lot done. Yet it took me a couple of days to figure out a phrase that I heard him say often, which would cause people to laugh. “Loco papa no Espanol!” Yep, that is correct; your crazy dad does not speak Spanish! It was awesome family time, a vacation filled with many memories. And yet, I am glad to be home.

And that’s my international report as the bottom of our news for this Friday, August 27, 2010.
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Bottom of the News - Friday, July 30, 2010

Little Known Facts Of Interest...

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. This morning we take a look at some little know facts that may possibly be of interest to you…

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

Did you known that half of all Americans live within 50 miles of… their birthplace.

If you were to spell out numbers that you would have to go all the way to one thousand before you would find the letter "A".

All of these things have one thing in common… bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers… all were invented by women.

Did you know that honey is the only food that doesn't spoil?

Did you know that on Father’s Day there are more collect calls than any other day of the year?

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase, "goodnight, sleep tight."

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

And finally, did you know that on this very day at 7:04 pm, in 1954, St. Joseph’s Hospital, New Hampton, IA, yours truly landed on this planet as the first son of Stanley and Judy Drewelow. And the Mother Ship has never returned to claim me!

And those little known facts are the bottom of our news for this Friday, July 30, 2010.
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Bottom of the News… Friday, July 23, 2010

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Since having our own duck race recently, I have seen a few others in the news that I thought you all might find of interest…

Rubber Duck Invasion! - Nova Scotia, Canada: A major investigation was launched this week to determine the origin of the growing flotilla of rubber ducks that have been inundating Yarmouth Harbor for the past two weeks. The busy harbor has become awash with the small yellow bath toys which has created a danger zone for ferry and other boats that run from the island to the Mainland.

The ducks have been arriving over the past two weeks and officials have now declared them to be a major menace. At one point, Yarmouth Harbor looked like a giant carnival booth as officials tried to clear the blockade of ducks that were preventing boats from entering or exiting the harbor.

According to harbor master Herbert Drowney, they just recently determined where the ducks were coming from, with initial clues coming from contact details found on their bottoms.

Drowney learned that many towns on the mainland in New Brunswick and Maine run charity Duck Races in the summer. Most events along the coast throw thousands of ducks into the ocean to race them. However many ducks disappear in the tides and strong currents.

According to experts, the tides around the south end of Nova Scotia typically funnel most items out to sea, but the unique shape of a rubber duck causes them to swing into the harbor, almost as if they are attracted to the boats. Drowney continues to retrieve ducks from the harbor and this fall is planning to open a new toy store call Drowney Ducks – his main product will be “collectable survivor rubber ducks.”

Runaway Rubber Ducks need to be Rounded Up - Fort Wayne, IN: A child advocacy agency is hoping to get all its ducks in a row after more than 1,000 of their rubber entrants in a charity duck race floated to freedom in northeast Indiana.

The agency called Stop Child Abuse & Neglect says 17,000 rubber ducks were dropped into the St. Joseph River in Fort Wayne during the June 19th fundraiser, but that only 15,000 were retrieved that day. Spokeswoman Jennifer Boen says about 1,000 of the rogue ducks have since been recovered, and that some of the others have been spotted as far away as Ohio.

Duck Race Smashes World Record! - London: Organizers of Sunday's Great British Duck Race on the River Thames in Surrey say there were 205,000 rubber ducks in their race, nearly 5,000 more than the old record set last year. This unusual race wasn't just for fun however; it also raised money for the NSPCC, the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children.

Hundreds of spectators, some in duck costumes, lined the banks of the Thames to watch. All the ducks were adopted by people or businesses for £2 each, plus a donation to the NSPCC.

The owner of the winning duck #023871 wins £10,000, but as of Monday Noon, the winner had not yet come forward. This has been typical; several winners in the past never claimed their winnings either to allow the charity to keep the prize money. And one final note… this race took nearly three hours for the winning duck to cross the finish line! Wow, that’s a quaker!

And there you have it, our favorite yellow friends in the bottom of our news for this Friday, July 23, 2010.
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Bottom of the News… Friday, July 16, 2010

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. This morning we look back at this day in history at memorable events that shaped our world…

July 16, 1790… Only 14 years after signing the Declaration of Independence, the US Congress declared that a swampy, humid, muddy and mosquito-infested site on the Potomac River between Maryland and Virginia would become the nation's permanent capital. Named after the leader of the American Revolution, “Washington” would be a part of a designated a federal "District of Columbia." Geo Washington was out of office before the White House was finished, which took 10 years to complete. President John Adams was the first resident for only one year in 1800 followed by Thomas Jefferson.

July 16, 1935… The world's first parking meter, known as Park-O-Meter No. 1, was installed on the corner of First St & Robinson Ave in Oklahoma City. The meter was the brainchild of a newspaper owner to help combat limited parking in their growing downtown. Many opposed the meters calling the fees another “tax” on their cars – it cost 5 cents to park for one hour. Retailers however loved them because they encouraged quick turnover of cars and customers. Along with meters came the first painted parking spaces. Within 10 years over 140,000 meters were operating in the US.

July 16, 1945… 65 years ago, the US successfully tested their first atom bomb at Alamogordo, New Mexico. The six year Manhattan Project was the key to ending World War II, when the bomb was soon to be dropped twice on Japan to force their surrender. The original budget for the Manhattan Project was $6,000 and actually cost over $2 billion.

July 16, 1964… Republican presidential nominee Barry M. Goldwater of Arizona accepted the nomination for his party and went on to be soundly beaten by Texas Democrat Lyndon Johnson. Johnson was former VP and then president just nine months earlier after the assassination of John Kennedy.

July 16, 1969… Apollo 11, the first US mission to put men on the moon, launched from Cape Canaveral, FL. The craft traveled 240,000 miles in 76 hours and shortly thereafter, astronaut Neil Armstrong was the first human to walk on the moon beginning with his infamous quote to millions back on earth… "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." The Appollo project involved over 400,000 engineers, technicians, and scientists, and cost $24 billion as a result of President John F. Kennedy's 1961 mandate to beat the Soviets to the moon.

July 16, 1980… Former actor and California Gov. Ronald Reagan won the Republican presidential nomination at the party's convention in Detroit on a conservative platform and went on later that year to beat sitting president Jimmy Carter in a landslide victory.

There you go, notable events on this day in history, the bottom of our news for this Friday, July 16, 2010.

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Bottom of the News… Friday, May 28, 2010

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. This morning I want to pay tribute to a great American, Art Linkletter. Known for his Kids Say The Darndest Things TV segments and books – Linkletter passed away this past Wednesday (May 26) at age of 97.

Art Linkletter hosted TV's "People Are Funny" and "House Party" in the 1950s and '60s and delighted viewers with his ability to get kids to share too much information on national television.

Linkletter was born Arthur Gordon Kelly on July 17, 1912, in Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan. His unwed mother put him up for adoption when he was a baby and at the age of 5 his new family moved to San Diego.

He recalled his preacher-father forced him to take odd jobs to help the family. So Linkletter ran away from home and became a hobo, hopping trains across the West, working where he could. He recalled later that he felt the religious faith instilled by his father had been a great gift.

"Because of Art Linkletter, adults found themselves enjoying children," said Bill Cosby, whose style interviewing kids on his own show in the late '90s was often compared to Linkletter's.

"Art Linkletter's House Party," one of television's longest-running variety shows, debuted on radio in 1944 and was seen on CBS-TV from 1952 to 1969. The best known feature was the daily interviews with schoolchildren.

The down-to-earth charm of Linkletter's broadcast persona seemed to be mirrored by his private life with his wife of more than a half-century, Lois. They had five children, whom he wrote about in his books and called the "Links."

In 1969, his 20-year-old daughter Diane jumped to her death from her sixth-floor Hollywood apartment. He blamed her death on LSD use, but tests found no LSD and yet the tragedy prompted Linkletter to become a staunch crusader against drugs.

Art Linkletter got his first taste of broadcasting with a part-time job while attending San Diego State College in the early 1930s. He graduated in 1934. "I was studying to be an English professor," Linkletter once said. "But as they say, life is what happens to you while you're making other plans."

He held a series of radio and promotion jobs in California and Texas, experimenting with audience participation and remote broadcasts, before forming his own production company in the 1940s and striking it big with "People Are Funny" and "House Party."

After leaving daily broadcasting in 1969, Linkletter continued to write, lecture and appear in television commercials. Among his other books, were "Old Age is Not for Sissies," "How To Be a Supersalesman," "Confessions of a Happy Man," "Hobo on the Way to Heaven" and his autobiography, “I Didn't Do It Alone."

"Life is not fair ... not easy," Linkletter said in 1990. "Outside, peer pressure can wreak havoc with the nicest families. So that's the part that's a gamble. But I'm an optimist. Even though I've had tragedies in my life, and I've seen a lot of difficult things, I still am an optimist,"

Linkletter is survived by his wife, Lois whom he was married to for 74 years; along with two of his children, daughters Dawn Griffin and Sharon Linkletter, as well as seven grandchildren and 15 great-grandchildren.

Linkletter admitted that his grandkids were more impressed by his picture being on the $100,000 bill from the board game, Life, which he endorsed in the ’60s, than with any of his TV shows.

His grandkids also went crazy when Linkletter appeared as a caricature in a Bugs Bunny cartoon that spoofed his old TV show, People Are Funny.

In 2005, when re-issuing his 1957 best-seller, Linkletter said…“Kids between ages four to 10 are still the same. They don’t want to eat their oatmeal and would like to get rid of their sister.”

A close friend said, “What a wonderful man. I used to laugh so hard I would cry listening to him talk to the children and their answers. Art was truly a blessing from God.”

Art Hershey, Linkletter’s son-in-law, said on Wednesday, "He lived a long, full, pure life, and the Lord finally had a need for him."

And there you have it, Art Linkletter, an American icon in an era gone by. And that’s our news for this Friday, May 28, 2010.

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Bottom of the News… Friday, May 21, 2010

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. This morning we have been able to secure an actual job application from a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to a Wal-Mart In California…

NAME: Kenneth Way (grumpy old man)

SEX: Not lately, still looking for the right woman.

DESIRED POSITION: Company president or VP. But seriously, whatever is available. If I was in a position to be picky, I would not be applying here in the first place, right?

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year, plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. It that’s not possible, make me an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSTION HELD: Target, in Middle Management Hostility

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth!

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 to 3:30, Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: I’m sure I do, but it sucks that I can’t remember what they are!

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 POUNDS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be… “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job – oh no! On my breaks – you bet!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulouosly wealthy blonde supermodel who thinks I am the greates thing since sliced bread! Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE: 7 miles.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely!

And, as it turned out, Wal-mart hired Kenneth to be a greeter because they thought he was funny! And that is our Bottom of News for this Friday, May 21, 2010.
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Bottom of the News… Friday, April 9, 2010

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. This morning I want to ask you all a question… how many of you that don’t have HR people do the interviewing to hire people for your company? Okay, and I would guess that you most likely have some type of process that includes what questions you can and cannot ask right?

Well, according to our very own HR guru, Wil Meiers, it never hurts to have a few “creative” questions to make your interviews more interesting…
• What was your best MacGyver moment?
• How many tennis balls can you fill this room with?
• If you were a brick in a wall, which brick would you be and why?
• Are your parents disappointed with your career aspirations?
• Tell me how you would determine how many house painters there are in the United States.
• If I put you in a sealed room with a phone that had no dial tone, how would you fix it?
• If you could be any animal, what would you be and why?
• How many hair salons are there in Japan?
• How do you measure nine minutes using only a four-minute and one-minute hourglass?
• What is the probability of throwing 11 and over with 2 dice?
• Say you are dead. What do you think your eulogy would say about you?
• How many light bulbs are in this building?
• How would you sell me eggnog in Florida in the summer?
• If you saw someone steal a quarter, would you report it?
• And finally, should you be on the other side of this interview, what might your answers be?

And there you have it, oddball interview questions as the Bottom of the News on this Friday, April 9, 2010. ###

Bottom of the News… Friday, May 14, 2010

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. This morning we have three real news stories from around the world…

(San Francisco Chronicle) Several floors of a San Francisco office building were evacuated after a man walked into a law firm's office with a pipe with blinking lights strapped to his chest. He told everyone he had a bomb, and he "threatened to blow the place up," said Assistant District Attorney Andrew Clark. The "bomb" with blinky lights was eventually determined to be fake. Antonio Scardina, 44, told police he “snapped” when his life long dream was not realized earlier that day. Scardina was turned down as a contestant on the game show "The Price is Right."

(Monroe Monitor, WA) After an armored car was robbed in front of a bank in Monroe, Wash., police were reasonably confident they'd find the culprit who was described as wearing a yellow vest, safety goggles, a respirator mask, and a blue shirt. But when officers arrived on the scenes they found more than a dozen men dressed in exactly the same way. All responding to an ad on Craigslists for road workers, who were told to meet at the bank at that time wearing a "Yellow vest, safety goggles, a respirator mask ... and, if possible, a blue shirt.” The robber has still not been found.


(Nashville Tennessean) A driver of an SUV hit a fox near Dover, TN and decided to retrieve the animal because he wanted the bushy tail. He put the body of the fox in his back seat and continued toward home. Soon he heard noise in his back seat and realized the fox was still alive. The angry fox jumped toward the driver and as he tried to shield himself he lost control and rolled the vehicle. Police reported there were one injury and one fatality… The driver sustained minor injuries and the fox was now really dead. And… driver's name was Tommy Fox.

And there you have it that is our Bottom of News for this Friday, May 14, 2010.
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Bottom of the News… Friday, April 30, 2010

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. This morning’s news is the guys in the room, purely for entertainment value only, NOT to inspire you… (thanks brother Carpenter)

The Top 13 Reasons Why Some Men Have Dogs and Not Wives:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
5. You never have to wait for a dog; they are ready to go 24 hours a day.
6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
8. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
9. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
10. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
11. A dog's parents never visit.
12. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
13. If a dog leaves, they won't take half of your stuff.

And there you have it, why some men prefer dogs over wives. Hmmm, isn’t that interesting! That is our Bottom of News for this Friday, April 30, 2010.

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Bottom of the News… Friday, April 23, 2010

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. This morning I’d like to share with you events from this week in history as the bottom of our news…

On April 22, 1915… During WW I, for the first time, German forces shocked allied soldiers by using lethal chlorine gas as a weapon and it initially devastated the Allied line. Within a year the allies developed their own chemicals and more importantly, the French invented the first gas masks.

This week in 1918… The young 10-year old General Motors (GM) became the world's largest auto firm by acquiring Chevrolet Motor Company. GM founder Billy Durant, a carriage maker, grew GM rapidly through acquisitions of Buick Motor Company, Oldsmobile, Cadillac and Oakland Motor. By 1921 with GM struggling financially, GM was bought out by the DuPont family.

In 1945… Adolf Hitler finally admits the war is lost and that suicide would be his only recourse. A week later Italian dictator Bnito Mussolini was shot by his own fellow Italians as he attempted to flee the country to Switzerland.

In 1954… Senator Joseph McCarthy began hearings investigating the US Army for being ‘soft’ on communism. For the first time, senate hearings were televised and McCarthy spent most of that year attacking many groups accusing them for harboring communists. By December the Senate censored McCarthy and very quickly he became a hopeless alcoholic; three years later he died.

April 1968… In typical ‘60’s fashion a social controversial musical premiered on Broadway. The New York Times call it a “cultural upheaval” and a "tribal love-rock musical.” It was HAIR and they took the country by storm with their musical and the ‘60’s era-defining song "The Age of Aquarius."

This week 1972… J. Edgar Hoover dies after serving nearly 50 years as director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI). Hoover was credited as the driving force in building and shaping the FBI to become one of the most powerful government agencies on the planet.

April 22, 1986… Boston Red Sox pitcher, Roger Clemens, becomes the first pitcher in Major League Baseball to strike out 20 batters in a nine-inning game. The game was against Seattle at Fenway Park. Ten years later, Clemens repeats the feat, the only player in baseball history to do that twice.

This week 2004… Pat Tillman, former NFL player, was killed by friendly fire while serving in Afghanistan. Tillman had decided in May of 2002 to give up his pro football career to enlist in the U.S. Army. He decided to fight for his country after the terrorist attacks of September 11. Tillman was 27. Yes, the good sometimes do die young, but I thank God every day for thousands of men and women like Pat Tillman who volunteer to defend and protect our country.

And there you have it, events this week in history, our News for this Friday, April 23, 2010. ###

Bottom of the News… Friday, April 2, 2010

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Today our news features some of the strange, but yet true news that do not make the headlines…

London Times: Britain's biggest marijuana-importing operation was exposed in March following the conviction of its three managers. The operation earned over $300 million just in this past year, up nearly 40% over their previous year. The three partners apparently were unable to spend all of their earnings. Despite buying real estate, jewelry and expensive cars, a Scotland Yard inspector said they found "moldy" cash "rotting” away, hidden under floorboards when they searched their marijuana headquarters. Experts say increase in business might be an early sign of an improving economy.

Falmouth, MA: Police hired John Yarrington as an informant/drug dealer setting him up with $100 in marked bills to make a cocaine buy from another dealer. Yarrington did his job for police, completing the deal and then left the scene. However about 15 minutes later, before police had even left the scene of the first deal, Yarrington returned and attempted to buy more cocaine on his own. Police promptly arrested him along with the first dealer he set up as an informant.

Canada: Two-time convicted bank robber Mark Turner filed a lawsuit against the Canadian Parole Board in 2001 claiming they released him too early from prison in 1987. He claimed that the board should have kept him inside until that sentence ran out seven years later. Not long after getting out in ’87 Turner robbed another bank and claimed it was the board's fault, not his. He said if they would have kept him in prison, that by 1994, he would have been more mature and would not have robbed another bank. And for the parole board's error, he sued for payment of $1 million. Hmmm, where is the real robbery? Canada just finally settled this case for an undisclosed amount earlier this year.

London Daily Telegraph: The day before British army chef Liam Francis, 26, arrived at his base in Afghanistan, the Taliban shot down the helicopter bringing in food rations and Francis realized he had to make do with supplies on hand. All he had in his pantry were seasonings and hundreds of tins of Spam. For six weeks Francis prepared "sweet and sour Spam," "Spam fritters," "Spam carbonara," "Spam stroganoff" and "stir-fried Spam." He told the Daily Telegraph that he was proud of his work but admitted that "morale improved" with his unit when fresh food arrived. This puts a different slant on ‘war being hell…’

And there you have it, real but strange news as our Bottom of the News on this Friday, April 2, 2010. ###

Bottom of the News… Friday, March 19, 2009 “11 Rules for Kids”

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Just this last week it came out in the news that Bill Gates is now the #2 richest guy on the planet, now behind a telcom guy from Mexico. Gates still continues to be popular as a speaker at high school graduations. He shares 11 Rules every kid should know that they never hear in school. His speech talks about feel-good, politically correct teachings that sets up a concept of reality for kids that typically results in real world failure. Here are Gates 11 Rules…

Rule 1: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop or the bar and go to jobs.

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with your own assistant until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try cleansing the critters living in the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one!

There you go, 11 rules to share with your kids as our Bottom of the News Friday, March 19, 2010. ###

Bottom of the News… Friday, March 12, 2010

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. It has been awhile since I have talked about historical events. So, on this day in history, March 12th…

1755 - The first steam engine was made in New Jersey.

1884 - Mississippi opened its first state-supported college for women called Mississippi Industrial Institute and College.

1889 - Almon B. Strowger filed a patent for his new invention, the telephone. Three years later Alexander Bell’s telephone was deemed much more reliable and Strowger’s patent was revoked.

1894 – In Vicksburg, Mississippi, Coca-Cola is sold in bottles for the first time.

1912 - The Girl Scouts we started by Juliette Gordon Low of Savannah, GA. Original name was Girl Guides, but quickly changed. Almost from the beginning, they made chocolate mint and peanut butter-filled cookies for their meetings. Those eventually served as the beginnings of their national fundraising campaigns.

1951 - The comic strip, "Dennis the Menace", appeared for the first time in 16 newspapers across the U.S.

1959 – Both the US House and the Senate voted approval for Hawaii to officially become a US state.

1974 – The "Wonder Woman" TV movie was shown on ABC, starring Cathy Lee Crosby.

And how about #1 songs on this day March 12th...
1959… Venus by Frankie Avalon
1967… Penny Lane by The Beatles
1975… My Eyes Adored You by Frankie Valli
1983… Billy Jean by Michael Jackson

And finally, on this day, 2002 – I incorporated my first business and signed the paperwork on a loan, the first SBA loan for a new bank called Cedar Rapids Bank & Trust.

And there you have it headlines from this day in history as the Bottom of the News on this Friday, March 12, 2010.
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Bottom of the News… Friday, March 5, 2010

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Today my thanks to brother Carpenter for his news contributions. He provided some very special “thoughts to think about” (from a Far Flung source) that may make you think, or then again maybe not. Okay, so here we go…

 I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

 Nothing is worse than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

 There is great need for a sarcasm font.

 How in the world are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

 Was learning cursive really necessary?

 MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

 Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

 Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after BluRay? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

 I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

 "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever...

 I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dang it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

 I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

 I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night that more kisses begin with Miller Lites than with Kay.

There you go, thoughts to think about. Hey, welcome to the weekend and this is the Bottom of the News on this Friday, March 5, 2010. ###

Bottom of the News… Friday, February 26, 2010

I thought I’d share a few recent Stella Award winners. These awards named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's. Awards recognize the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S.

5th Place: Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, PA was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish.

4th Place: Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, AK was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

3rd Place: Amber Carson of Lancaster, PA was paid $113,500 by Philadelphia restaurant after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. So much for being responsible for your own actions!

2nd Place: Kara Walton, of Claymont, DL sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000 plus dental expenses. Go figure.

1st Place: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, OK was driving her new 32-foot Winnebago motor home from an OU football game. On the freeway she set the cruise control at 70 mph and left the driver's seat to make a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her $1.7 million PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

Definitely outlandish and ridiculous! And this is the Bottom of the News on this Friday, February 27, 2010.

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Bottom of the News… Friday, February 19, 2010

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Today I thought it would be good to hear a few tips of timeless wisdom from some kids. These sound like “been there, done that” type of advice…

“Never trust a dog to watch your food." Patrick, age 10

“When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" Don't answer." Hannah, age 9

“Never tell your Mom her diet's not working." Michael, age 14

"Stay away from prunes." Randy, age 9

"Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to." Emily, age 10

"When your Mom is mad at Dad, don't let her brush your hair." Taylia, age 11

"Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment." Traci, age 14

"A puppy always has bad breath--even after eating a Tic-Tac." Andrew, age 9

"Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time." Kyoyo, age 11

"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." Amir, age 9

"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts." Kellie, age 11

"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse." Naomi, age 15

"Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick." Lauren, age 9

“Don't pick on you sister when she's holding a baseball bat." Joel, age 10

"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone." Alyesha, age 13

"Never never ever try to baptize a cat!" Eileen, age 8

There you go, kids do say the darndest things as the Bottom of the News on this Friday, February 19, 2010. ###

Bottom of the News… Friday, February 5, 2010

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Well the month of February is the LOVE Month and here are a few facts surrounding this special holiday that you may not be aware of…

What is origin of Valentines Day? An imprisoned St. Valentine died on Feb 14, 269 AD and legend says he had become friends with and had fallen in love with the jailer’s daughter. He signed his farewell note "From Your Valentine" and 230 years later, the Pope set aside the date to honor St. Valentine.

How has the tradition of cards continued? Until the mid 1800’s Valentine cards only came in the form of love notes from the man. Women NEVER sent notes to men! The tradition became westernized and then women got into the act. Until the mid 1900s all cards typically were homemade, had lace decorating and always a red heart. Today Valentine cards come in all forms.

How important is chocolate around V-Day? 1.1 billion boxes of chocolates will be sold throughout the U.S. with more than 58 million pounds of chocolate candy will be sold during Valentine's week alone. Consumers will purchase more than $345 million in chocolate candy during this week.

How many roses are sold on V-Day? 189 million stems of roses are sold in the U.S. just on Valentine's Day alone; 1.2 billion are sold the entire year.

Last year I gave the men some gift ideas for their special ladies and this year ladies I have some things that… GUYS would LOVE to get from YOU on V-Day!

Get-Out-of-Jail-Free Card… Hey, we all make mistakes. Every man needs unconditional amnesty once in a great while. Only allow for mild screw-ups, not major deals; it allows your guy to avoid your wrath.

Silence… Contrary to popular belief, married men quite often want to stay home and be alone. Do nights when he can rule the remote and eat chicken-fried bacon pizza. It can be a great recharger for his emotional batteries.

Less Makeup… A little eyeliner and lipstick are great. But unless you're a TV anchor, guys believe you don’t need much! Just ask your guy, I bet he thinks you're cute no matter what, right guys?

Binoculars… The best gift is unexpected, something he wouldn't buy for himself. Believe it or not, guys will remember the first time they were fascinated by binoculars as a little boy. (All boys are). They are waterproof, shockproof, and, most importantly, cool lookin'.

To be in a Rock Band… Whether he fronted a band in college or can't even play the kazoo, every guy secretly dreams of being a rock star, but it never happens; consider Guitar Hero or Beatles Rock Band.

There you have it, little known Valentine’s Day info as our Bottom of the News on this Friday, February 5, 2010. ###

Bottom of the News… Friday, January 29, 2010

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Today I am reporting on the annual Ig Nobel Prize Winners… The 19th 1st annual event recognized achievements that first make people LAUGH, then make them THINK!

PEACE PRIZE: Five professors from the forensic department at the University of Bern in Switzerland determined that it is more damaging to the skull to be smashed over the head with a full bottle of beer when compared to an empty bottle.

HEALTH CARE PRIZE. Four doctors from Duke University, MIT, Stanford University and INSEAD University in Singapore demonstrated that high-priced fake medicine is more effective than low-priced fake medicine.

LINGUISTICS PRIZE: Three linguists from the University of Barcelona showed that rats sometimes cannot tell the difference between a person speaking Japanese backwards and a person speaking Dutch backwards.

CHEMISTRY PRIZE: Three researchers from the University of Mexico were able to create diamonds from liquid — specifically from tequila.

MEDICINE PRIZE: Donald Unger, private investigator from Thousand Oaks, CA, determined that a possible cause of arthritis in the fingers can be caused by cracking your knuckles. Unger’s research included diligently cracking the knuckles of his left hand — but never cracking the knuckles of his right hand — every day for more than sixty (60) years.

PHYSICS PRIZE: Physics researchers from the University of Cincinnati, Harvard and the University of Texas, collaborated their research for four years and were able to determine analytically why pregnant women don't tip over.

VETERINARY MEDICINE PRIZE: Researchers from Newcastle University in the UK proved that cows who have names give more milk than cows that are nameless.

BIOLOGY PRIZE. Three researchers from the National Veterinarian Institute discovered that fleas that live on dogs can jump higher than the fleas that live on cats.

PUBLIC HEALTH PRIZE: Three women from Chicago won this award for inventing and getting a patent on a bra that, in an emergency, can be quickly converted into a pair of protective face masks, one for the bra wearer and one to be given to some needy bystander.

LITERATURE PRIZE: Ireland's police service won this award for writing and presenting more than 50 traffic tickets to the most frequent driving offender in the country — Prawo Jazdy — whose name in Polish means "Driving License".

There you have ‘em, the 2009 Ig Nobel Prize Winners. Our Bottom of the News on this Friday, January 29, 2010. ###

Bottom of the News… Friday, January 22, 2010

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Today we are back in the news and our first story comes from Longview, CO…

Longview, CO: Police report that a 17-year-old in Longview was siphoning gas from a car when he decided to light a cigarette. The resulting flash fire interrupted the theft and left the unnamed teen with burns over 30 percent of his body. Fire department Lt. Jason Sanders summed it up this way: "The fumes from the gas and the cigarette decided to catch fire because they are just naturally attracted to each other.”

Saskatuwan, Canada: Alexander Rodriquez, 23, was arrested in Regina, Sask., Canada, for allegedly hanging around in the bakery section of a supermarket. Rodriguez was spotted opening cake boxes, touching them and then licking the frosting. When the store staff asked him what he was doing, Rodriquez responded by saying that he was... “checking for freshness. Of course, according to store manager, he said "There's a date on the box, but I'm guessing from the looks of Rodriguez, he hasn't had a date in his life.”

Auckland, NZ: Constable Cathy Druder was patrolling outer Aucland in New Zealand when she spotted two bicyclists. She stopped them because they were totally nude… "They were more shocked than I was,” said Druder. “They were trying to cover up their bits and pieces with their hands.” When she asked them why they were riding without clothes, the two "very fit" men in their 20s said "they wanted to experience total freedom." So Druder told them “The way you're heading, you're going to experience total confinement'." Druder gave them a warning and issued tickets for “failure to wear helmets” and sent them on their way.” (Hmmm… “bits and pieces” never heard it put that way!).

And finally, here are Top 10 REAL newspaper headlines from around the US in 2009:

• New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
  
• British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
  
• Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
  
• Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
  
• Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
  
• Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
  
• Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
  
• Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
  
• Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
  
• Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

There you have it, real news all the time that is our Bottom of the News on this Friday, January 22, 2010. ###

Bottom of the News… Friday, January 8, 2010

Good morning my fellow Rotarians and Happy New Year! I’ve made it a tradition of starting each Rotary News Year by sharing New Year’s resolutions with you. You did know that anything you do more than once qualifies as a tradition, right? Anyway… let’s start with the history of New Year’s resolutions…

It is said that this tradition of making New Year's Resolutions was started by early Babylonians. Their #1 resolution was to return borrowed farm equipment so they could begin the new year with a clean slate. Some believe that resolutions were once promises made to the Gods, in the hope that the Gods would grant them some favor in return, such as a good harvest. It was also believed that breaking a resolution brought bad luck on the individual hence one was advised to be careful while making New Year's Resolutions.

Today the most popular resolutions are about improving one’s health, looks, eating better and/or exercising more to lose weight. Other very popular, and the most often broken resolutions, are to quit smoking and drinking. The most common resolutions are dealing with better money management, saving more and reducing debt.

Half of Americans make resolutions each year and yet those promises seem to fade quickly. Typically, after one week 25% have dropped off, in one month 40% are gone and within 3 months, 70% of all resolutions are forgotten.

So, are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not find some things that you can feel good about accomplishing? Things that aren’t hard to do! Here are some ideas to help you get started...

• Read less.
  
• Watch more TV.
• Spend more time at work.
• Don't jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
• Stop bringing lunch from home, eat out more.
• Get into a whole NEW rut!
• Start being superstitious.
• Take a vacation to someplace important, like, to see the world’s largest ball of twine or the international SPAM museum.
• Gain weight, at least 30 pounds.
• Make it a personal goal to bring back disco.
• Stop exercising; it’s a waste of your time.
• Procrastinate more, starting tomorrow.

There you go, resolutions you can feel good about! Right?!? Hey, let’s have some fun this year as we start a new decade! Happy New Year from the Bottom of the News on this Friday, January 8, 2010!

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Bottom of the News… Friday, December 11, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians, well, it has been a few weeks since I have reported to you. My thanks to brother Carpenter for ably filling in this past week. Of course was on an all time record snow day marathon with Kirkwood out for the past three days! Well tis the season and with lots of holiday news on the wires. Our first story comes from…

Tonawanda, New York… 'TIS THE SEASON: A man stopped by police headquarters to offer holiday greetings and deliver a Christmas wreath to the officers on duty. The guy seemed to be acting suspicious and so an officer called the store next door, where the wreath came from, and wouldn’t you know it, the man stole the wreath! When confronted, he admitted to the theft and was arrested, but begged for leniency claiming that it was “the thought that counted” during this Christmas season.

Bethesda, Maryland… FA LA LA LA LA, LA LA LA FELONY: For six years, the United Methodist Church has sold Christmas trees from their parking lot to raise funds for a medical clinic in Tanzania. They open the day after Thanksgiving, but this year an "anonymous tipster" called police stating that it is illegal in Montgomery County to sell Christmas trees before December 5th. The county sheriff shut down the lot, but didn't charge the Pastor the normal $500 fine. The pastor of course was still outraged, calling the action “ludicrous" and demanding that the county change the law. County officials agreed to get right on it and set the initial hearing to review the law, for February 3rd.

Franksville, Wisconsin… JESUS ON A DONKEY: The bad economy is impacting live church nativity scenes; rented camels are too expensive for "wise men" to ride, costing $500-700 per day, including a handler and liability insurance. So, groups look for less expensive substitutes such as sheep, which run $25 a day or donkeys. "It goes up and down with the economy," said the owner of Jo-Don Farms. "Some groups cut camels and don’t know whether to pick sheep or donkeys. I just tell people… Hey think about, ‘what would Jesus do?’ Well, he would pick a donkey, so for $75 bucks I give them the Jesus deal and they think I’m a spiritual genius!”

Wellington, Florida… NO CRIB FOR HIS BED: The baby Jesus statue is stolen so often from nativity scenes in Wellington that Jesus is not outfitted with GPS tracking devices to expedite recovery. "Jesus is small and easy to steal, while the animals are too big.” said John Bonde, city administrator. Last year, an 18-year-old woman took Jesus and because of the GPS tracker police showed up at her door within an hour. She was originally charged with a felony, but she pleaded to the judge to allow her to join the Marines instead of doing jail time. The judge agreed and now she is telling people that she will be serving time and fighting for Jesus!

And there you have it, holiday hi-jinks in the Bottom of our News on this Friday, December 11, 2009! ###

Bottom of the News… Friday, November 13th, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Today is your lucky day… Yes, it is Friday, the 13th. Whether you believe in good luck, bad luck or no luck at all, this date has some interesting history.

History
A Norse myth has their superstition originating from the Last Supper that says having thirteen people seated at a table (and Judas was the last guy invited) will result in the death of one of the diners, thus 13 is an unlucky number.

Another theory traces the event to the arrest of the legendary Knights Templar. This monastic military order was founded in Jerusalem in 1118 with a mission to protect Christian pilgrims during the Crusades. Over two centuries, the Knights Templar became extraordinarily powerful and wealthy. King Philip was threatened by this and was eager to acquire their wealth so he secretly ordered the mass arrest of all the Knights Templar in France on Friday, October 13, 1307 - Friday the 13th. This theory was made popular in the 2003 novel and subsequent movie The Da Vinci Code.

Social impact
According to the Stress Management Center and Phobia Institute, 17 to 21 million people in the US are affected by a fear of this day. Some people are so paralyzed by fear that they avoid their normal routines in doing business, taking flights or even getting out of bed. Economists estimate that $800 or $900 million is lost in business every Friday the 13th.

Rate of accidents
Most insurance reporting agencies, state that "fewer accidents and reports of fire and theft occur when the 13th of the month falls on a Friday than on other Fridays. People are preventatively more careful or just stay home. Statistically speaking, driving is slightly safer on Friday 13th in most countries.

Events & Movies tied in to Fridays the 13th
Some events are intentionally scheduled for Friday the 13th for dramatic effect. They include:
• Lemony Snicket’s 13th book A Series of Unfortunate Events was released on Friday, October 13, 2006.
• Four of the 12 films in the Friday the 13th series, were released on a Friday the 13th.
• The "Friday the 13th Storm" struck Buffalo, New York on Friday, October 13, 2006.
• The asteroid 2004 MN4 will make its close encounter on Friday, April 13, 2029.

Fear of the Number 13
 Many high rise buildings lack a 13th floor.
 Many airports skip the 13th gate.
 Hospitals and hotels regularly have no room number 13.
 Many cities do not have a 13th Street or a 13th Avenue
 And finally, if you have 13 letters in your name, you will have the devil's luck . Jack the Ripper, Charles Manson, Jeffrey Dahmer, Theodore Bundy and Albert De Salvo all have 13 letters in their names.

And there you have it, Friday, the 13th… so make sure you don’t walk under a ladder, cross a black cat AND do NOT step on a crack as you leave Elmcrest today or you risk breaking your mother’s back! Yikes! And this is our Bottom of the News on this Friday, the 13th of November, 2009!

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Bottom of the News… Friday, October 30, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Today we have another candidate who will most likely share his vision and ideas for our city. And Ron, just so you know, I’m a Rotary Reporter and I don’t’ normally pick on our guests, BUT since we gave Brian Fagan some “valuable advice” we felt that “equal time” was in order so I have a few things for you to consider.

To begin a St. Petersburg, FL newspaper asked their readers for ideas on "How Would You Fix the Economy?" and “How Would You Reduce Government Expenses in Tough Times?” and here are the two top ideas.

1st Idea… Fixing the Economy
There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force, so pay each of them $1 million severance pay to retire with the following stipulations:

1. They must quit their jobs. That will create 40 million job openings, unemployment is fixed and the cost the government is way less than the hundreds of billions for their ideas.
2. They each must buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered, Auto Industry fixed.
3. They each must either buy a house/pay off their mortgage, Housing Crisis fixed.
How’s that for a simple solution, maybe a smaller version could work in Cedar Rapids?

2nd Idea… Reducing Expenses in Government
When a small business hits a downturn, they have to make cuts, typically by eliminating jobs. For remaining workers they typically are motivated to find ways to work smarter, faster, etc. or they risk losing their jobs as well. This is common sense in the business world – in order to remain profitable and in business you have to make sure your expenses don’t exceed your revenues.

Why not take the same approach in government at the federal level:
1. Reduce the House of Representatives from 435 members to 218.
2. Reduce to Senate 100 to 50 (one per State).
3. Savings = $150 million/year in salaries for congressmen and staff salaries.
4. And the biggest savings = $7.5 billion in pork barrel ear-marks per year!

The remaining representatives would hopefully be motivated to work smarter and to working together more for the good of our country or risk losing their jobs as well! A common sense approach learned from businesses and families; maybe this concept could work at the local level too?

Politics Quotes
Okay, and finally, Ron a few quotes to keep in mind as your next few days unfold…
-"Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary." Robert Louis Stevenson
-"Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living." P. J. O’Rourke
-"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book." Ronald Reagan

And there you have it, political advice, for what it is worth, just for you Ron. This is the Bottom of the News on this Friday, October 30th, 2009! ###

Bottom of the News… Friday, October 23, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Today we are back in the news and our first story comes from Kentucky…

Kentucky: The Butler County, KY sheriff had a warrant out Joe Oros III who jumped bail on drunk driving was arrested in California. The Kentucky sheriff decided to drive to California pick up Oros himself and after making the 4,100 mile trip the prisoner insisted he was not wanted in Kentucky. "Yeah, yeah, every convict has a story," said the sheriff, dismissing the protest. Upon arriving back in Kentucky they discovered Oros was the victim of identity theft, and they had the wrong guy. Oros was flown back to California and he promptly filed a wrongful arrest suit against Butler County sheriff’s dept. Oros’ lawyer noted that a pre-faxed mug shot would have saved the sheriff a trip and his county a lot of money; a costly mistake for a mistaken identity. Meanwhile, Oros said he liked Kentucky so much that he is considering moving there. His attorney is working on a deal to make his move a part of his lawsuit settlement.

Washington DC: A report came out recently from Homeland Security regarding the results of a new program called "Operation Scheduled Departure." The Immigration and Customs agency launched the program in five cities with the hope that some of the estimated 13 million illegal immigrants would deport themselves. The agency targeted 457,000 illegals, all of whom had been ordered to leave the US over the past year, but had not done so. The program offered free passage back to their country and no arrests or prosecution. Early reports claimed positive responses during the initial 30-day pilot phase, which cost $180,000. However, buried in the back of the report were the real results showing that only eight people volunteered to be deported. Jim Hays, program director, said, "I don't consider the program a failure, we just didn’t give it enough time.” Sounds another great government program at work!

North Carolina: For their season opening football game against McNeese State, the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill planned two stunt men to parachute into the stadium to deliver the game ball. Come game time, the officials kept scanning the sky and could not find the skydivers. It wasn’t until about 10 minutes later when UNC associate athletic director Rick Steinbacher got a phone call from the Duke AD screaming at him asking what kind of stunt he was trying to pull. As it turned out, the skydivers picked the wrong stadium and landed at Duke’s stadium eight miles away, where Duke had just started their game with James Madison University. "We thought it was hilarious,” said Steinbacher, but the Duke people apparently did not agree. “Oh well, maybe they will get over it in about five years, or maybe longer, maybe then it will be funny to them, maybe…"

And there you have it, real news all the time, the Bottom of the News on this Friday, October 23, 2009! ###