Bottom of the News… Friday, December 11, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians, well, it has been a few weeks since I have reported to you. My thanks to brother Carpenter for ably filling in this past week. Of course was on an all time record snow day marathon with Kirkwood out for the past three days! Well tis the season and with lots of holiday news on the wires. Our first story comes from…

Tonawanda, New York… 'TIS THE SEASON: A man stopped by police headquarters to offer holiday greetings and deliver a Christmas wreath to the officers on duty. The guy seemed to be acting suspicious and so an officer called the store next door, where the wreath came from, and wouldn’t you know it, the man stole the wreath! When confronted, he admitted to the theft and was arrested, but begged for leniency claiming that it was “the thought that counted” during this Christmas season.

Bethesda, Maryland… FA LA LA LA LA, LA LA LA FELONY: For six years, the United Methodist Church has sold Christmas trees from their parking lot to raise funds for a medical clinic in Tanzania. They open the day after Thanksgiving, but this year an "anonymous tipster" called police stating that it is illegal in Montgomery County to sell Christmas trees before December 5th. The county sheriff shut down the lot, but didn't charge the Pastor the normal $500 fine. The pastor of course was still outraged, calling the action “ludicrous" and demanding that the county change the law. County officials agreed to get right on it and set the initial hearing to review the law, for February 3rd.

Franksville, Wisconsin… JESUS ON A DONKEY: The bad economy is impacting live church nativity scenes; rented camels are too expensive for "wise men" to ride, costing $500-700 per day, including a handler and liability insurance. So, groups look for less expensive substitutes such as sheep, which run $25 a day or donkeys. "It goes up and down with the economy," said the owner of Jo-Don Farms. "Some groups cut camels and don’t know whether to pick sheep or donkeys. I just tell people… Hey think about, ‘what would Jesus do?’ Well, he would pick a donkey, so for $75 bucks I give them the Jesus deal and they think I’m a spiritual genius!”

Wellington, Florida… NO CRIB FOR HIS BED: The baby Jesus statue is stolen so often from nativity scenes in Wellington that Jesus is not outfitted with GPS tracking devices to expedite recovery. "Jesus is small and easy to steal, while the animals are too big.” said John Bonde, city administrator. Last year, an 18-year-old woman took Jesus and because of the GPS tracker police showed up at her door within an hour. She was originally charged with a felony, but she pleaded to the judge to allow her to join the Marines instead of doing jail time. The judge agreed and now she is telling people that she will be serving time and fighting for Jesus!

And there you have it, holiday hi-jinks in the Bottom of our News on this Friday, December 11, 2009! ###

Bottom of the News… Friday, November 13th, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Today is your lucky day… Yes, it is Friday, the 13th. Whether you believe in good luck, bad luck or no luck at all, this date has some interesting history.

History
A Norse myth has their superstition originating from the Last Supper that says having thirteen people seated at a table (and Judas was the last guy invited) will result in the death of one of the diners, thus 13 is an unlucky number.

Another theory traces the event to the arrest of the legendary Knights Templar. This monastic military order was founded in Jerusalem in 1118 with a mission to protect Christian pilgrims during the Crusades. Over two centuries, the Knights Templar became extraordinarily powerful and wealthy. King Philip was threatened by this and was eager to acquire their wealth so he secretly ordered the mass arrest of all the Knights Templar in France on Friday, October 13, 1307 - Friday the 13th. This theory was made popular in the 2003 novel and subsequent movie The Da Vinci Code.

Social impact
According to the Stress Management Center and Phobia Institute, 17 to 21 million people in the US are affected by a fear of this day. Some people are so paralyzed by fear that they avoid their normal routines in doing business, taking flights or even getting out of bed. Economists estimate that $800 or $900 million is lost in business every Friday the 13th.

Rate of accidents
Most insurance reporting agencies, state that "fewer accidents and reports of fire and theft occur when the 13th of the month falls on a Friday than on other Fridays. People are preventatively more careful or just stay home. Statistically speaking, driving is slightly safer on Friday 13th in most countries.

Events & Movies tied in to Fridays the 13th
Some events are intentionally scheduled for Friday the 13th for dramatic effect. They include:
• Lemony Snicket’s 13th book A Series of Unfortunate Events was released on Friday, October 13, 2006.
• Four of the 12 films in the Friday the 13th series, were released on a Friday the 13th.
• The "Friday the 13th Storm" struck Buffalo, New York on Friday, October 13, 2006.
• The asteroid 2004 MN4 will make its close encounter on Friday, April 13, 2029.

Fear of the Number 13
 Many high rise buildings lack a 13th floor.
 Many airports skip the 13th gate.
 Hospitals and hotels regularly have no room number 13.
 Many cities do not have a 13th Street or a 13th Avenue
 And finally, if you have 13 letters in your name, you will have the devil's luck . Jack the Ripper, Charles Manson, Jeffrey Dahmer, Theodore Bundy and Albert De Salvo all have 13 letters in their names.

And there you have it, Friday, the 13th… so make sure you don’t walk under a ladder, cross a black cat AND do NOT step on a crack as you leave Elmcrest today or you risk breaking your mother’s back! Yikes! And this is our Bottom of the News on this Friday, the 13th of November, 2009!

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Bottom of the News… Friday, October 30, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Today we have another candidate who will most likely share his vision and ideas for our city. And Ron, just so you know, I’m a Rotary Reporter and I don’t’ normally pick on our guests, BUT since we gave Brian Fagan some “valuable advice” we felt that “equal time” was in order so I have a few things for you to consider.

To begin a St. Petersburg, FL newspaper asked their readers for ideas on "How Would You Fix the Economy?" and “How Would You Reduce Government Expenses in Tough Times?” and here are the two top ideas.

1st Idea… Fixing the Economy
There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force, so pay each of them $1 million severance pay to retire with the following stipulations:

1. They must quit their jobs. That will create 40 million job openings, unemployment is fixed and the cost the government is way less than the hundreds of billions for their ideas.
2. They each must buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered, Auto Industry fixed.
3. They each must either buy a house/pay off their mortgage, Housing Crisis fixed.
How’s that for a simple solution, maybe a smaller version could work in Cedar Rapids?

2nd Idea… Reducing Expenses in Government
When a small business hits a downturn, they have to make cuts, typically by eliminating jobs. For remaining workers they typically are motivated to find ways to work smarter, faster, etc. or they risk losing their jobs as well. This is common sense in the business world – in order to remain profitable and in business you have to make sure your expenses don’t exceed your revenues.

Why not take the same approach in government at the federal level:
1. Reduce the House of Representatives from 435 members to 218.
2. Reduce to Senate 100 to 50 (one per State).
3. Savings = $150 million/year in salaries for congressmen and staff salaries.
4. And the biggest savings = $7.5 billion in pork barrel ear-marks per year!

The remaining representatives would hopefully be motivated to work smarter and to working together more for the good of our country or risk losing their jobs as well! A common sense approach learned from businesses and families; maybe this concept could work at the local level too?

Politics Quotes
Okay, and finally, Ron a few quotes to keep in mind as your next few days unfold…
-"Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary." Robert Louis Stevenson
-"Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living." P. J. O’Rourke
-"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book." Ronald Reagan

And there you have it, political advice, for what it is worth, just for you Ron. This is the Bottom of the News on this Friday, October 30th, 2009! ###

Bottom of the News… Friday, October 23, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Today we are back in the news and our first story comes from Kentucky…

Kentucky: The Butler County, KY sheriff had a warrant out Joe Oros III who jumped bail on drunk driving was arrested in California. The Kentucky sheriff decided to drive to California pick up Oros himself and after making the 4,100 mile trip the prisoner insisted he was not wanted in Kentucky. "Yeah, yeah, every convict has a story," said the sheriff, dismissing the protest. Upon arriving back in Kentucky they discovered Oros was the victim of identity theft, and they had the wrong guy. Oros was flown back to California and he promptly filed a wrongful arrest suit against Butler County sheriff’s dept. Oros’ lawyer noted that a pre-faxed mug shot would have saved the sheriff a trip and his county a lot of money; a costly mistake for a mistaken identity. Meanwhile, Oros said he liked Kentucky so much that he is considering moving there. His attorney is working on a deal to make his move a part of his lawsuit settlement.

Washington DC: A report came out recently from Homeland Security regarding the results of a new program called "Operation Scheduled Departure." The Immigration and Customs agency launched the program in five cities with the hope that some of the estimated 13 million illegal immigrants would deport themselves. The agency targeted 457,000 illegals, all of whom had been ordered to leave the US over the past year, but had not done so. The program offered free passage back to their country and no arrests or prosecution. Early reports claimed positive responses during the initial 30-day pilot phase, which cost $180,000. However, buried in the back of the report were the real results showing that only eight people volunteered to be deported. Jim Hays, program director, said, "I don't consider the program a failure, we just didn’t give it enough time.” Sounds another great government program at work!

North Carolina: For their season opening football game against McNeese State, the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill planned two stunt men to parachute into the stadium to deliver the game ball. Come game time, the officials kept scanning the sky and could not find the skydivers. It wasn’t until about 10 minutes later when UNC associate athletic director Rick Steinbacher got a phone call from the Duke AD screaming at him asking what kind of stunt he was trying to pull. As it turned out, the skydivers picked the wrong stadium and landed at Duke’s stadium eight miles away, where Duke had just started their game with James Madison University. "We thought it was hilarious,” said Steinbacher, but the Duke people apparently did not agree. “Oh well, maybe they will get over it in about five years, or maybe longer, maybe then it will be funny to them, maybe…"

And there you have it, real news all the time, the Bottom of the News on this Friday, October 23, 2009! ###

Bottom of the News… Friday, October 16, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Today our speaker will most likely share his ideas and vision for our city and maybe even give us a glimpse of his leadership style.

As you know, this reporter does not make it a common practice to offer advice to our guests, BUT since expressing opinions seems to be a very popular thing during this political season, I thought it only appropriate to offer just a few quotes in regard to leadership. We begin with…

• Delegating work works, provided the one who is delegating works, as well. - Robert Half
• The leadership instinct you are born with is the backbone. You then must develop the funny bone and the wishbone that go with it. - Elaine Agather
• Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because they want to do it. - Dwight Eisenhower
• A leader is a dealer in hope. - Napoleon Bonaparte
• Leaders don't tell people HOW to do things, they tell them WHAT to do and let them surprise you with their results. – General George Patton
• The key to successful leadership today is influence, not position or authority. – Ken Blancard
• Inventories can be managed, but people must be led. – Ross Perot
• The best leader is the one who has sense enough to pick good men to do what needs to be done, and self-restraint to keep from meddling with them while they do it. - Teddy Roosevelt
• To be a leader, you have to make people want to follow you, and nobody wants to follow someone who doesn't know where he is going. – Joe Nameth
• Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things. - Peter F. Drucker
• Remember, perceptions become people’s reality, so the first responsibility of a leader is to define reality. - Max Depree
• If you think you are leader and turn around to see that no one is following you, then you are simply out for a walk. - John Maxwell
• Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men; the other 999 follow women. - Groucho Marx

And there you have it, pearls of wisdom on leadership, for our special guest (does that give you some help?) and for each of us. This is the Bottom of the News for Friday, October 16, 2009! ###

Bottom of the News… Friday, October 2, 2009

Good morning everyone and welcome to the bottom of the news. Today I am going to share with you some “not so important THINGS that you really don’t need to know,” in other words useless info to impress family, friends and fellow workers…

• The strongest muscle in the body is your toungue.
• Only one person in 2 billion will live to be 116 years old.
• Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
• The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagra Falls froze completely solid.
• There is no Betty Rubble in Flintstone's chewable vitamins.
• Banging your head against the wall uses 150 calories per hour.
• Right handed people live on average, nine years longer than left handed people.
• Polar bears are left handed.
• A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
• the shortes war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896; Zanzibar surrended after 38 minutes.
• Donald Duck was originally banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
• Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
• More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in airplane crashes.

And there you have it, THINGS that you don’t REALLY need to know as the Bottom of the News on this October 2, 2009!

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Bottom of the News… Friday, September 25, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Today for our news I want to speak to the parents of teenagers. How many have teenagers? So, here is a question… have you read some of their writings lately, like for English, language arts or some other writing class? Well, you may be in for a surprise because the age of the computer, internet, email, Facebook, text messaging and more has changed the way our kids communicate and specifically how they write.

Here are some examples by teenagers, as collected by HS English teachers…

• She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before he hurls.
• Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
• The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
• Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
• The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots being fried in hot grease.
• The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
• The ballerina rose gracefully extending one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
• It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around the house with power tools.
• He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
• He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
• McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

Those are classics! And there you have it modern day examples of writings from our teenagers. They are the Bottom of the News on this Friday, September 25th, 2009! ###

Bottom of the News… Friday, September 11, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Today, the 8th anniversary of 911, is not a typical bottom of the news day. For many it was a day when their world hit rock bottom. For others it was an event that created a reawaking in America.

It’s hard to believe how quickly the time has passed -- it seems like yesterday -- since we heard those first unbelievable reports that a plane, then another plane, had crashed into both of the World Trade Center towers. For a generation of young people who were not around when President Kennedy was assassinated or when Neil Armstrong walked on the moon, or when the Challenger exploded… events remembered forever. That 911 day in New York City, Washington, D.C., and a field in Pennsylvania -- are pivotal. Their impact will never be forgotten.

So, where were you about two hours from now on Tuesday, Sept 11th? What was your first reaction? What about the people around you?

For me I was in Galena, IL just starting a training meeting with my Midwest directors. While grabbing some breakfast on the run from the lobby I saw a glimpse of a news story about a plane crash somewhere, but kept moving. 15 minutes later my admin called and asked if I had heard about plane crashes around the World Trade towers and my first reaction was “are you kidding?” 5 minutes later she calls back to tell me that in making her regular calls to several of our east coast offices she could not get thru because all phone circuits were overloaded. Something bigger seemed to be unfolding.

The final straw was when one of our directors got a cell phone call from her sister in Manhattan to let her know she was okay. She was frantic and said the US was under attack and that is was chaos in NY City. Upon sharing that news with the 20 people in our group, our meeting was over. We all found a TV and stood in shock as we watched. It was surreal and unbelievable. I soon gathered our group together, prayed with them and then sent them home to be with their families. I am sure you can replay that morning for yourself as well.

911 is an unforgettable moment in history AND should be a reminder to never take our freedom and liberty and some much more for granted. We must be always ready to protect and defend our country and our fellow man. I consider it a duty and responsibility.

Todd Beamer believed this while being held hostage on United Airlines Flight 93. He didn’t stand by, he lived his life ready and that’s how he died taking on three terrorist hijackers, along with his fellow passengers, crashing into a Pennsylvania field.

Todd’s final words were… “Are you guys ready, let’s roll!” Those words will be remembered as those of a husband, a father, a leader, a hero and a true American patriot. September 11, 2001, may we never forget AND may we always be ready. And this is the news on this day, 911, 2009.

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Bottom of the News… Friday, August 28, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Do you recall Murphy’s Law… “If anything can go wrong it will”? Well, this saying has been around for centuries, but was made famous by Capt. Edward Murphy, an Air Force engineer in charge of a 1968 testing project on how sudden stops from crashes effect pilots. Do they need to runs tests to know the results???

Apparently the testing went wrong quite often and Murphy would say the same thing after each failed test. A project manager decided to keep a list of other “Laws" that the crew came up with during this project and here are a few of them…

Law of Gravity… Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability… The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Dialing… If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of Variation … If you change traffic lanes on the way to the base, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you change to (works every time).

Law of Starbucks … As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, a ranking officer will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Law of the Result… When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Close Encounters… The probability of meeting someone you know off the base increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of Mechanical Repair… After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to go to the restroom.

Law of Physical Surfaces … The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor is directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpeting.

Law of Logical Argument … Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Law of the Alibi… If you tell the colonel you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Law of Public Speaking… A closed mouth gathers no feet.

There they are, Murphy’s recently discovered Laws as the Bottom of the News this Friday, August 28, 2009! ###

Bottom of the News… Friday, August 21, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. To begin, I offer my apology to the group, and to the young people who were here last week, for a story that was inappropriate. I promised brother Carpenter when I signed up for this gig that I’d keep it clean and well, I blew it and it won’t happen again.

And speaking of a “foot in your mouth” move, today’s news is about job applicants who gave some really dumb answers during job interviews. Some people are nervous or maybe have an outgoing personality, but some seem to lack basic common sense, especially if they want to get a job! Here are a few of the “Dumbest Interview Answers” from real people, compiled by CareerBuilder.com:

Q: Why should we hire you?
A: “I would be a great asset to the social events team because I party all the time.”

Q: Why are you looking for a job?
A: “Cigarettes are getting more expensive, so I need another job.”

Q: What are your assets? (as in strengths)
A: “Well, I do own a bike.”

Q: When have you demonstrated leadership skills?
A: “My best example would be online video gaming. I pretty much run the show; it takes a lot of leadership to do that.”

Q: Tell of a time you made a mistake and how you dealt with it
A: “I stole some equipment from my old job, and I had to pay for its replacement.”

Q: What are your weaknesses?
A: “I get angry easily and I went to jail for domestic violence. But I won’t get mad while I am working for you.”

Q: Use three adjectives to describe yourself?
A: “I hate questions like that!”

Q: Why did you leave your last job?
A: “I have a problem with authority.”

Q: What is your most pressing question for me?
A: “If I get an offer, how long do I have before I have to take the drug test?”

Q: Have you submitted your two weeks’ notice to your current employer?
A: “What is two weeks’ notice? I’ve never quit a job before, I’ve always been fired.”

And there you have it, “not-so-smart” answers from people looking for a job… that is the Bottom of the News on this Friday, August 21, 2009! ###

Bottom of the News… Friday, August 14, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Well, my trip down under to Australia was awesome! Great conference, great learnings, lots of food and very cool sight seeing throughout the Sydney area. My favorites were the two tours of the Sydney Harbour, including the great Opera House, one tour by boat at night and the other in a small private airplane. And since I’m a big photo bug, check out my Facebook page where I have tons of cools shots.

Okay, on to the news. Every morning during my trip to the corner Starbucks I would keep my eyes and ears open to “unique” Aussie news, so here’s my report from down under…

SYDNEY, Aus - I learned about an ongoing scam that continues to baffle Australia Police because they cannot recommend a prosecution. Here’s how the scam works… A company takes out a newspaper ad selling cheap imported hard core porno videos. People send in orders and pay by check.

After several weeks, the company writes back to the buyers explaining that under the present
Australian law they cannot supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of their company check. Most people however, do not take those checks to their bank due to the company name… “The Sex and Fetish Perversion Company." Hmmmm, is that the perfect scam???

PERTH, Aus – A lady in Perth sued the state lottery for mental distress. Helen de Cier said she suffered mental distress when her neighbors won the lottery and she did not. Prize winners are chosen by postal code and de Gier would have shared in the $22.2 million if she had bought a $13 dollar-50 ticket (as the Aussies say it) along with her seven neighbors on her block.

de Grier accused the organizers of "emotional blackmail" and demanded compensation, but the court said she LOST and the judgment said that lottery organizers could not be held responsible for those who fail to buy a bloody ticket and then later regret it.

BRISBANE, Aus - Australian doctors plugged a poisoned Italian tourist into a vodka drip after their medicinal alcohol ran out (Hmmm, sounds like health care rationing???). Doctors contend they needed to take such a drastic measure to save his life.

Why? Well, for some unknown reason, the 24-year-old Italian patient had ingested a huge quantity of antifreeze, but when such things happen (I wonder how frequent this might be???), pure alcohol is given to inhibit the toxic effects of the antifreeze ingredients.

Apparently, supply delivery is slow in Australia because the patient was on the straight vodka drip at a rate of three standard drinks per hour AND this occurred continuously for 72 hours in the intensive care unit. The patient made a successful recovery and was quoted as saying he was very pleased with the treatment and care he had received in the Australian hospital. I bet, but I wonder if they charged him by the drink?

Well, no worries mates, that is the Bottom of the News on this Friday, August 14, 2009! ###

Bottom of the News… Friday, July 24, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Well, since I will be traveling the next two weeks for an international conference in Australia, I thought that some travel news might be in order. These are REAL stories told by travel agents...

 How about the passenger who asked for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

 A man called, furious about his Orlando, FL package. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. The agent explained that an ocean view room was impossible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
The man replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

 A woman called her travel agent and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." When asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yea, whatever."

 A man was asking the check-in desk how he would know which plane to get on?" When asked to explain he said… "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

 A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" When asked why she questioned this, she replied, "Well, when I checked in they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT on it. I admit I’m a bit overweight, so I am wondering the connection?" The agent had to put the woman on hold for a minute, telling her, “I will look into it." Actually, the agent was laughing hysterically! When she got her wits together she came back to the caller and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage and NOT her description.

Oh, the joys of traveling! I will see that first hand again as I start my journey next Thursday to Sydney, Aus. There are more than a dozen Rotary clubs in the metro are and my hope is to visit one or two. The news will continue with Brother Steve Carpenter filling in next week and I will see you in 3 weeks. That’s the bottom of the news for July 24, 2009! ###

Bottom of the News… Friday, July 17, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Well, my news this morning has come from much research regarding two of our presidents, John F Kennedy and Abraham Lincoln. Here is my report on a few interesting facts about these men…

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives lost children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Okay listen carefully… Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names; both names totaled 15 letters.

And there is more… Lincoln was shot in the Ford Theater; Kennedy was shot in a Ford car, a Lincoln.

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse. Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were both assassinated before their trials.

And finally... A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland; a week before Kennedy was shot, he was reportedly with Marilyn Monroe.

Okay, is that wild or what??? A “history mystery” is our Bottom of the News on this Friday, July 17, 2009! ###

Bottom of the News… Friday, July 10, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Today I want to remind everyone why we love children. Quite honestly they have very interesting opinions and sometimes we just need to think about the perspective from which they see the world…

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

MORE NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

Kids, you gotta love em! And that is the Bottom of the News on this Friday, July 10, 2009! ###

Bottom of the News… Friday, June 12, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Today we have a story about a Spanish teacher. She was explaining that in Spanish, unlike in English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. “House” for instance, is feminine: “la casa.” “Pencil” however, is masculine: “el lapiz.”

A student asked, “What gender is computer?”

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, men and women, and asked them to decide for themselves whether “computer” should be a masculine or feminine noun. Each group was asked to give three reasons for their recommendations.

The men’s group decided that computer should definitely be feminine “la computadora” because…

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it, and
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.

The woman’s group however, concluded that “computer” should be masculine “el computador” because…

1. They are supposed to help you SOLVE problems, but half the time they ARE the problem;
2. In order to do anything with them, you have to first turn them on and,
3. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you would have waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model!

So, who do you think won? Men? Women? Dumb question… the women of course! And that is the Bottom of the News on this Friday, June 12, 2009!

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Bottom of the News… Friday, June 5, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Today a breaking news story regarding a bill that was quietly passed in congress back in March. This bill became public yesterday and is called the… “Americans with No Abilities Act,” or AWNAA.

On March 20th congress secretly passed sweeping legislation to provide immediate benefits for Americans and is being hailed as a major legislative initiative for the millions who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not have the drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said a top California senator. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be passed over and employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to workers who really know what they are doing."

This bill makes it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning discriminatory interview questions, such as, "Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?"

Mary Lou Gertzin, a non-abled person said “I can't be expected to keep up with people who have abilites." Mary Lou lost her position as a lug-nut twister at a Flint GM plant due to her inability to remember rightey tightey, lefty loosey. With this law Mary Lou is now guaranteed a career position for life within the automotive industry.

A high ranking congressman from Nevada announced “I am proud to be a senator with no abilities and every American with no abilities should enjoy the same privileges I enjoy. Even inept Americans are entitled to good pay even though some may believe they are good for nothing.”

At a Capitol Hill press conference congress honored government agencies and private industries that have provided opportunity without regard to performance. The US Postal Service and state Motor Vehicle Departments were cited as role models with both agencies immediately meeting all compliance standards. Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the inept include clothing retailers, the airline industry and home improvement stores.

This legislation also provides substantial tax credits for businesses who agree to hire one oblivious worker for every two that have true talent.

And finally, mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable people. More than 25 million mid-level positions will be created under this bill, with important-sounding titles, but little real responsibility. This will fulfill the mission of bill, which is to provide an illusory sense of purpose and performance for millions of incompetent Americans!

So, there you have it, the Americans with No Abilities Act. Our government at it’s finest! This is truly the very Bottom of the News on this Friday, June 5, 2009!

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Bottom of the News… Friday, May 15th, 2009

Good morning Rotary! It is a beautiful very special day! Your Rotary Reporter has secured never-before-released consumer reports regarding unnamed individuals who fall under the “not so smart” department…

From Sacramento, CA… We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower. I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two...' We haven't used Sears repair since.

From Atlanta, GA… My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'You gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

In rural Missouri… We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. When asked about her reason for the request, she said, “Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.”

From a Ford dealership in Canton, MS... When I left Hawaii and was transferred to Florida, I still had the Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii. I was parking somewhere (I can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you drove from Hawaii to here?" I looked at him and quickly said "Yep. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge". He nodded his head and said "Cool!"

From Kansas City… I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' The baggage clerk smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

In Birmingham , AL… The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it is a signal for blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

At a Chevy dealership in Tennessee… When my husband and I arrived at the dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'Its open!' His reply, 'I know, I already got that side.'

here you have ‘em, real and unedited and “not so smart…” our Bottom of the News on this Friday, May 22, 2009!

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Bottom of the News… Friday, May 8th, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Today I thought I’d share with you some little known laws that are still on the books around our country from years gone by…

• In Minnesota, it is illegal to cross state lines with duck on your head.
• In Pennsylvania, it is illegal for a man to purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.
• In Alaska, it is illegal to look at a moose from the window of an aircraft.
• In Idaho, a citizen is forbidden to give another citizen a box of candy that weights more than 50 lbs.
• By law, everybody in Vermont must take at least one bath a week.
• In Kentucky it is illegal to carry an ice-cream cone in your pocket.
• In Washington state, all lollipops are banned.
• An unmarried woman may not parachute on Sunday in Florida.
• In Atlanta Georgia, it is forbidden to dress a mannequin without first pulling down the window blinds.
• In Milwaukee, residents must keep pet elephants on a leash while walking them on public streets.
• In Muncie, Indiana, it is illegal to carry fishing tackle in a cemetery.
• In Massachusetts, mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
• In Chico, California you can be fined up $500 for detonating a nuclear device within the city limits!
• It is illegal to gargle in public in Louisiana.
• In Nebraska, a parent can be arrested if their child burps during church.
• In Alabama it is illegal to wear a false moustache which causes laughter in church.
• In Kansas, it is against the law to catch fish with your bare hands.
• And finally… In Iowa, it is illegal for a kiss to last more than five minutes. Hmmm…

There they are, little known laws around our country so careful out there! (especially that kissing thing…) and that is the Bottom of the News this Friday, May 8, 2009! ###

Bottom of the News… Friday, April 24th, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Today I thought I’d share with you some little known facts that maybe you can use to show how “smart” you are at the office or for your enjoyment….

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb".

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury, until just two months ago when our government decided we needed the money as a stimulus!

Coca-Cola was originally green.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% (thank you Alaska!)

Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only… Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:61,000Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Little known facts for our or maybe “useless” information for our Bottom of the News this Friday, April 24th 2009! ###

Bottom of the News… Friday, March 27, 2009

Good morning my fellow Rotarians. Today, it is Duck Facts time because after Jim Angstman threw out the challenge for all of us to go duck hunting I thought if we all are going to have a bunch of those little critters hanging around we’d all better know more about them. So, here you go…

Ducks were once wild until they were domesticated by the Chinese in the 1500’s; but be careful with yours because some may still have a free spirit!

Ducks' feathers are waterproof. There is a special gland that produces oil near the tail that spreads and covers the outer coat of feathers. Beneath this waterproof layer are fluffy and soft feathers to keep the duck warm.

All of the Peking ducks in the United States are descendents from three ducks and one drake imported to Long Island, New York in 1873.

Ducks' feet have no nerves or blood vessels. This means ducks never feel the cold, even if they swim in icy cold water. So, you don’t have to worry about little duck socks or insulated web covers.

A duck has three eyelids. They like to wink a lot.

Ducks can live from 2-12 years, depending on the species; so if you get attached to any of yours there’s a good chance you can reconnect at next year’s race!

A duck's quack has no echo. Even in a big culvert?

A male duck is called a drake, a female is called a duck. Babies are called ducklings. So is it duck duck or just duck? I am confused. What about that game duck duck goose goose? I wonder what that means???

A duck waddles instead of walking because of their webbed feet. And those webs act like big paddles when they swim. So, the winners should be wearing a size 18!!!

Little known facts for our or maybe “useless” information for our Bottom of the News, but hey, we are having a Quacking good time this Friday, March 27, 2009!

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